Mr Gay SA: 12 Heroes, 1 Dream

VANESSA SMEETS

This time next week, the new Mr Gay South Africa will be crowned at Emperor’s Palace in Johannesburg. In a country that still struggles with sexual identity and where homophobia is still quite prevalent (we read about ‘gay beatings, murders’  and corrective rape on a weekly basis), I asked one of the finalists to share his aspirations, thoughts and comments on the whole experience.

Craig Maggs (25) and I met five years ago, after the whole “Stellenbosch Kissing Saga.” When I met him the first time, he was using another name and afraid to come out. All I could see was a survivor. He has not only survived homophobia, but also a crocodile attack that crushed his dream of becoming a surgeon (Craig lost an index finger in the attack). Today, he stands as an icon of solidarity; hopeful and watchful of a new South Africa that aims to not only accept every race, but also every sexual preference. From chef to personal trainer to writer, who knows where this talented young man will go…

IRON MAN: Body of steel, heart of gold. Craig hopes to change the gay community by creating a platform where socials can include fitness and fighting for similar causes. PIC: supplied

QUICK FACTS:

Height: 1.87m
Weight: 90kg
Favourite food: Mum’s lasagna or Portuguese chicken
Favourite quote: “With a single blow of a hammer, you have transferred plans into action.”
Biggest accomplishment: Surviving a crocodile attack at Lake Kariba and learning to accept myself as I am.
Greatest dream/ desires: My greatest desire is to live a life that will be remembered.
Strengths: Compassionate. Resilient. Dependable.
Weaknesses: Terrible liar, I over think things, I don’t trust easily.
Occupation: I work two jobs: I work for an NGO that deals with AIDS and Ebola research during the day and at night I am a waiter at Beefcakes in Illovo (who got me involved in this competition).
Hobbies: Playing sport, keeping fit, gardening, hiking, baking and sleeping.

Craig, you have trained hard to be in the Top 12. The last time I saw you, you were on a broccoli and asparagus diet, trying to reach your target weight and body.
But, tell us, what do wish to accomplish in terms of the competition?
My faith has challenged me to make a stand in order to make a difference to those that are hurting out there, especially those who I can relate to. The lonely, the oppressed, the bullied, the raped and those who have lost their ability to dream. I want to walk alongside them in their journey as a role model and friend. I want to be the reason someone never gave up on life or themselves.

BEHIND BLUE EYES: Behind his charming smile, lies a BSc degree in Sports Science from Stellenbosch University. Pic: supplied

So, how did you prepare for Mr Gay SA?
Besides going to the gym and a horrible diet (of mostly green veggies), I wanted to broaden my mind. I approached different people and discussed their views on matters. It was incredible to see how differently we see things. I also did a lot of research into the history of gay rights, focusing on icons and how they altered history.

The Top 12 are incredibly diverse, from all over the country. How would you describe the other contestants?
The 12 contestants are incredibly inspiring people. All from different walks of life (from medical to political backgrounds), making us a dynamic team with different approaches and focus points. We have nicknamed ourselves the super 12 with the goal of changing the world around us.

Hmmm… How does Mr Gay SA stand apart from other “beauty” competitions?
Not only do we represent minority groups, we also focus on creating 12 role models, not just one. All twelve people will have a role to play throughout the year not just the winner.

What is your advice to those who wish to compete?
Approach this competition with an open mind and an open heart. It will challenge you and make you grow in ways you never thought possible. But, also be aware that this competition will open your eyes to a very broken world, that may cause you to become depressed if you have the wrong motives. Do it to make this world a better place not for selfish goals. Challenge the norms and be courageous role models to society.

What has been the biggest challenge in this competition?
For me personally the biggest challenge has been the emotional load of seeing so much hurt and need, especially because I can’t do enough to change it.

…And the greatest joy?
The greatest joy would be the message I received from a Zimbabwean friend living in Australia. She told me how she was so impressed on the impact I was making and that I should keep going, no matter how difficult it was.

How has your family and friends reacted to you being part of it?
My family were very concerned, if not disappointed, but have been amazing considering their background. As for my friends, they have been incredibly supportive and have really motivated and carried me all the way!

TOP 12: The finalists had fun and were also trained and mentored by Mr Gay World 2013, Christopher Olwage (far right). PIC: Facebook

What is your response to the negative feedback on Mamba Online page about you guys?
At first I was shocked and horrified at what people wrote, but now I see it as a challenge. A challenge to prove that this group of 12 heroes is there to be role models for all groups, not just racial or homosexual. We are a team and not individuals.

Now for the competition-type questions…

What is your view on being religious and homosexual? So many people battle and how do they overcome it?
Personally I am a Christian. Jesus said in the Bible: “WHOEVER believes in me shall have eternal life.” (John 5: 24) It doesn’t say “only some people” or “only straight people.” That is what I hold onto.

It is not an easy journey, as often the people of the church are the ones who cause the most hurt for gay people. They tend to ostracize you, judge you or try to change you. But don’t give up faith.

GAY PRIDE: The Top 12 inspired thousands in Cape Town to walk the streets with them, for a better South Africa. PIC: Facebook

What do you think SA can do more in terms of LGBTI rights?
South Africa is fortunate to have one of the best constitutions for LGBTI rights in the world. However, it could do a lot more in protecting the people from the homophobia experienced by people in the community. Also, I believe South Africa could also stand up for LGBT rights throughout Africa, like in Uganda and Zimbabwe.

How can we do more in terms of these African neighbours and homophobia?
This is a very delicate issue, because this could make conditions worse for the affected people in those countries. However, we do need to do something! There are too many human rights violations happening to do nothing. Usually, the best way to change situations like this is to change the minds of the young, while they are still open and accepting. Make them question the norms and they will create the positive change. It will take a few brave individuals risking a lot, but a worthwhile cause cannot be left alone.

How can we educate the community more on:

• corrective rape
• homophobia
• LGBTI NGOs
• “gay media”

I think a good place to start is to build relationships between the LGBTI community and the mainstream media. Yes, often people complain about the involvement of “pink news” but in our day and age, it is becoming more prevalent. This could be highly beneficial to both integration of the LGBTI community, as well as people being able to share their stories that are big issues in society today. For example, corrective rape and homophobia. The first step to solving a problem, is admitting that it exists and raising awareness of it.

This will take concerted effort from the LGBTI community, which needs to work as a team and not individuals.

WALK THE WALK: Craig and the other contestants showed off their ideas and bodies at Gay Pride in Cape Town last month. PIC: supplied

How do plan on using the title if you win?
I have two ideas I would like to develop:
Firstly, the buddy system. Let young LGBTI people interact with people who can serve as role models. Have a small group forum, where they can learn through other peoples experiences.

Secondly, I would like to reintroduce the gay sports’ night where people can interact across age and racial barriers, in a relaxed fun environment. My focus would be raising young leaders and again having the young learn from people with experience.

Anything you’d like to add?
I really think that it’s time the LGBTI community starts to work together towards a common goal, rather than defeat its own purposes.

 

Searching for satisfaction…

VANESSA SMEETS

A look on the 5 type of guys to avoid and how to enjoy singledom…

LIVING COLOUR: Your colourful past, certainly makes way for a brighter future. PIC: Online

You’re in your late twenties or early thirties, everyone around you is either getting married or having kids.

The best thing about being single? Less questions on where you were.
The worst? More questions on where you’re going…

There’s a lot of pressure on women of today to, as well as having a fulfilling career, be romantically fulfilled as well. No matter how independent or well she’s been doing.

This leads to her falling desperately for the wrong type of men, starting with…

The Ex

Things ended because he moved away and you had to pursue a career or studies. You both still like each other and still secretly have virtual sex. Big mistake. The truth hits you when pictures of his new girlfriend show up on Facebook. Delete that chapter. Delete him. For good, this time…

This new chapter leads you to…

The Rebound

The honest truth… PIC: Online

You meet him at a bar, share a few beers. The attraction is pretty insane. The sex turns out to be mind-blowing, but you have absolutely nothing else in common. Stop having sex, it’s preventing you from meeting someone more worthwhile.

However, your loneliness leads you to that elusive…

The One-Night Stand

Out of the blue, you meet someone incredibly smart and attractive. Problem is, you’re still not emotionally ready, so you come across as desperate and smothering. You end up liking him too soon, not knowing this is the type of guy to lose interest when things become too sexual. In a moment of passion, you end up sleeping together. The sex turns out to be average, but you’re kind of determined to find out where this could lead. He, however, is not:

“Listen, I’m not blown away by you. That was fun, but that’s all it’ll remain. Have a nice life.”

You feel like a dirty tramp and turn to…

The flying solo dilemma… PIC: Online

The Best Friend

He’s liked you for years, but you’ve kept your distance. After all, could there not just be one platonic male presence in your life, for goodness sake? After hours of crying on his shoulder for the umpteenth time, you look into his kind, genuine eyes and end up making out. The next time you see him, it’s really awkward, so you end up flirting with…

The Colleague

He’s the guy kind enough to offer you a lift to work or leave post-its while you’re out on a smoke break. Mixing business with pleasure has as many perks as risks. You two soon become office talk.

It’s time to break the vicious cycle many women find themselves in and rather embrace singledom.
In the words of Sex and the City:

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling for less and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.”

Things to embrace while you’re single:

• Flirt shamelessly with strangers. It’s okay to practice… Practice makes perfect. Just avoid taking them home.
• Explore the world. Finally you can go on that Contiki tour with your best friend! Do it!
• Take up new and strange hobbies. Start pole-dancing, hip-hopping, silk painting… You’ll certainly be more interesting to the next lucky fish.
• Become adventurous without inhibitions. Take up that job offer in South Korea! Go become a photographer on a cruise ship! Au pair while you still can! So many more stories to tell…
• Focus on what you want, not what you need. Neediness is unattractive. Want is ambitious. Not keen on divorce? Don’t marry that average guy from the dentist’s office.
• “Water” your friendships. The Sims illustrated this part of social life perfectly. Remember that girlfriend you stopped hearing about once she got hitched? You’ve become her, without the ring. Catch up with a cocktail party or ladies’ night. Liking their Facebook status is simply not enough, by the way.
• Realize that marriage is more than just a piece of paper, it’s for life. Could you really marry that rebound guy that litters your place with dirty dishes?
• Play safe. So your heart is broken, wait till you’re emotionally ready to take up something physical. Getting physical too soon means the next guy won’t have time to get to know you on an emotional scale.
• Keep a diary of your weaknesses, as well as your achievements. Some guys are mean to girls in order to move on more easily, don’t take all their insults to heart. However, if all relationships ended because you were obsessed with your girlfriends or cat, it may be time to overthink some things.
• Stop complaining, start living. Remember Carrie’s addiction…nagging on and on about Mr Big? So unattractive, even to your closest friends.
• Find your inner child. He used to steal your lunch, now he’s stolen your dreams. He used to flirt with the teacher, now he flirts with your best friend. Move on. Mr Nice (yet Good-looking) Guy exists… Someone wise once wrote: “Nice guys always finish last, but isn’t that what women want in the end?”

How to scare away Mr Right, now!

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So you’re back in the dating game, ready to meet Mr Right or Mr Right Now, whichever one comes first. LOL… It’s a daunting feeling: back to gym, the hairdresser, the beauty salon.

Does one dare to colour and cut when you finally meet your blind date? Does one wax for a first date?

Movies like The Ugly Truth and How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, as well as series like Sex & the City and books like He’s Just Not That Into You have paved the way for how to date effectively. Yet many women still find themselves making the same mistakes over and over again.

These are the worst things to do when you finally find him (thanks to my guy friends for sharing). Basically, it’s a compilation of “How to lose a guy in 10 minutes…” That easy!

• Flirt with his mates and ignore him the whole evening. Some ladies think by being friendly to his mates, you’ll score points with him. There’s a fine line between friendliness and flirtiness, my dear.
• Wear a wedding dress to a first date. Ummm, yeah… Too eager, perhaps? Wedding dress can refer to anything that hints at moving along too fast: showing bra-straps/ g-string, a garter…
• Sms/ call him constantly. So, you like the dude? Let him do the chasing! How can he miss you if you never go away?
• Fall for his best friend. They look alike. They hang out constantly. He’s bound to rub off on you too… Try to keep your distance.
• Become a sexting slut. Funny enough when you meet the right guy, or what seems to be, you lose inhibition and carry on flirting like madly. Be careful of scaring him off with your tie and bondage fantasies. He may also expect them in real.

Courtesy: E-cards

• Rearrange his stuff. So he’s finally allowed you to check out his place? Lucky girl! Don’t ruin it by doing his dishes or laundry; may get too cozy for comfort.
• Insult his mother or sister. No matter how badly he may talk about them (even just once), never say anything bad about them!
  This is a test to see if you really want to be with a guy who can’t even respect his feminine ties and a test to see how sweet you really are…
• Insist on knowing everything about his exes. “Did she touch you like that?” is as bad as saying “I love you” on a first date. Don’t go there!
• Ask him to change his hairstyle/ wardrobe/ way of speaking. You fell for him the way he is, so why go and tempt fate by changing him… that includes his drinking or smoking habits.
• Cyberstalk him. Declaring your undying love via Facebook will kill it solid! This includes insisting on becoming Facebook official (The worst kind: “In a relationship with… and it’s complicated.” Does everyone need to know you’re not having sex regularly?), liking each one of his profile pics, commenting on photos he’s just been tagged in (unless they’re with you) or dedicating a whole album to him.
• Wait for him in his office. This may sound romantic at first, but may totally freak him out if it becomes a stalkerish habit. “Are you openly spying on me?” will be the first thought on his mind, no matter how sexy your little outfit under the trench-coat is.
• Use him as a rebound. Transfer all your feelings about “your amazing ex” onto the new guy. So amazing he didn’t last… Don’t do it to this guy.
• Tattoo his name on your ass or back. It’s called a tramp stamp for a reason, to every guy who gets to see it after your beloved. Look at what Johnny Depp had to do to his Winona Ryder tattoo… Wino forever!

Courtesy: E-cards

• Wear something skanky to your first date… Do you really want to leave nothing to the imagination?

This includes…

• Having sex on the first or second date. Some guys have admitted it turns them on when a girl rubs herself seductively against his crotch, some have complained these are the girls to avoid: the cockteasers. Even worst are the girls unable to close their legs. Sorry hun, whatever your excuses (It’s been months! He smells great! I was drunk!) are never good enough when realizing you’ve been played. As the old saying goes: “Why buy the cow, when the milk’s for free?”

Now, after all that, time to sit back, relax and enjoy!

Playing a Player: The Big Bad Wolf

VANESSA SMEETS

 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Beneath the exterior of Mr Nice Guy, there's the beast who is able to steal your heart and eat your dreams. The band Duck Sauce has opened up a whole new debate: What if this beast is woman, not man? PIC: Online/ Wolf-man movie

The new Duck Sauce song “Big Bad Wolf” is bringing the notion of ‘player’ to a whole new level: that it can apply both to men and women.

The video is 18-rated for explicitly showing men on the prowl, hunting for hot girls. After finding the chosen targets in a bar, the ‘leader of the pack’ unzips his pants and you are horrified to find a head in the place of his “package.” The second guy follows suit and their heads howl in unison towards the ladies. They take them home and, shockingly, the women also have heads instead of their ‘delicate areas.’

Ah, the bitter-sweet wolf-whistle. Some girls thrive on its power to make you feel sexy, others hate it for demeaning women as pieces of meat. For many girls, the video shows the disturbing truth of being confronted by sex every day. You cannot wear cleavage, a short skirt or red lipstick without being stared at constantly. But, the video also shows another interesting dynamic: women who think more like men about sex. The girls in the video are just as keen to partake in making out and sleeping with the lustful heads.

But, is this the effect guys anticipate? A guy friend once told me:

“Girls don’t dress that way (short skirts, red lipstick) for guys. They wear that for each other. It’s a constant competition of who is hotter and who can keep your attention for longer.”

MIND GAMES: Are men and women thinking more and more alike? The new song "Big Bad Wolf" argues yes. PIC: Online

What the other guys say:

“Dressing sexy may attract me. But personality is what keeps me.”

“Girls are thinking more like men. It’s all about: ‘I am hot. I need sex.’ While the men are thinking: Damn! My heart will be broken again.”

“The more skin I see, the more I lack respect. Come on, leave something to the imagination!”

“Girls must stop thinking I want to talk dirty constantly. Sometimes ‘How was your day?’ will just be as meaningful. Knowing you care about me is a massive turn on all on its own.”

“She broke up with me when I told her I needed a break from all the sex. Yeah, it hurts at times down there! She didn’t believe me, thought I had someone on the side…”

“I can’t take it when I’m in a club enjoying the music and some random girl rubs herself against my crotch. I’ve been slapped for not reacting. Sometimes I just wanna listen to the music!”
“I think Cosmo and programmes like Sex and the City are breeding the man-eater generation. She wants sex with Mr Right Now, not Mr Right.”

“I’m scared of those girls who plaster themselves in make-up and expect you to take them home. I just want the real deal, stop trying to give me America’s Next Top Model wannabe.”

“Women are the hunters these days, but I still wanna do the chasing. There’s no fun in it being the other way around. I’ll lose interest too quickly.”

“Girls these days keep asking me if I’m a T ‘n T (Tits or Toosh/ Ass) guy. They are horrified to find I’m a smile or eyes kind of guy. Those attributes keep me dreaming…”

The better to smell you with

This miscommunication between men and women may have been caused by the girl’s unfortunate meeting with “the Big Bad Wolf,” once upon a time. This is the guy who’s been emotionally present in a girl’s life for a few weeks, months or even years. He listens to her problems, comforts her with the right words and NEVER makes any comments on her physique.

She comes to believe that he is neutral; that, unlike other guys, he really cares about her. Indeed, he does. It boosts his ego to know how powerful he is to her. She makes the fatal mistake of idolising him.

MOB HYSTERIA: Are men or women more dangerous when they hunt in packs? Who does the chasing, after all? PIC: Online

The better to see you with

This was the case for Michelle. For two and a half years, she dated such a man. At first, their relationship was based on duty and role-play.

She had to clean his flat, massage him and give up her friends to make time for him. Slowly, their relationship transitioned into something romantic, only he would control her by never kissing her on the lips. He only kissed her when she was “well behaved” i.e. when she did exactly as she was told.

She didn’t realise she was just another girl and just another trophy. He never openly flirted with anyone, but his charm kept his popularity intact. She continued to believe they were a happy couple, when in fact it was the most torturous emotional prison. She soon lost her friends, identity and almost her life. After their twentieth break-up , she tried to commit suicide.

TRUE LOVE: Little girls are led to believe that true love can break any spell and Prince Charming will one day magically appear. PIC: Online/ Beauty and The Beast Disney movie

The better to eat you with

The Big Bad Wolf comes in various forms:

• Mr Nice Guy: He listens diligently and has the kindest eyes. He also writes to you regularly. You come to believe he truly cares about you. But, one night, you spot him kissing someone else. He casually explains you guys were just friends anyway. You fall for those kind eyes again… until you see him kissing yet another girl the next week and the next.
• Sweet Talker: He’s full of amazing compliments (mostly about your intelligence/ ambition/ ideals) and takes you for midnight rides in his Merc or BMW. You really believe you are special to him. One night, he kisses you passionately, then asks for your best friend’s number the next time you meet up.
• Adonis: You meet him at gym. A few months later, he becomes your Personal Trainer after casual talks outside. One night, he asks you out for a glass of wine and takes you back to his place instead. He removes his shirt and casually says: “You can look, but don’t touch: I’ve been in a relationship for five years. But, G*d, you smell good…”
• Prince Charming: He’s the geeky guy at work that helped fix your car, your computer and your bad back. What talented fingers! One night, you invite him out to thank him. He shows up with his boyfriend. Arghhh….
• Night Knight: He’s your ex-flame who calls you up each time he’s in town. Each time you tell him no, he ends up sending you something sentimental: the clip of the first song you danced to, a bottle of the perfume you wore when you first met. His memory is excellent, but luckily so is yours…

The Art of Sexting

VANESSA SMEETS

Some do it while in the bath, others at their office desks or as they rush to the bathroom. Some smile or giggle nervously when preoccupied. Others turn blood red and some are so good at it, they manage to hide their sweaty palms.

The art of sexting is a silent phenomenon. It involves gentle fingertips playing on the keyboard of your cellphone or computer. Even the shortest word like “now” has power. Some would argue it’s more difficult than the real act of lovemaking, as it involves eloquence and confidence for hours at a time. You have to be prepared to go “all the way” by exploring your most personal needs and desires…

SAFE SEX: Is sexting so much safer than real sex? Some will argue the risks are so much longer-lasting... PIC: Online

At first, it encompasses the art of seduction beyond erotic novels. You have to fish for someone willing to play with. Your protagonist then has to be willing to frolic in the ocean of persuasion with you, floating in euphoria.

Some see it as a chess game in the art of seduction and release.

You have to be willing to expose your most vulnerable assets: your willing heart and craving mind. At the same time, you must seem completely detached to keep him/her interested.

Or, like the stalking game, your prey has to be willing to escape just a little longer, as you come up with a different approach of attack.

This attack has to be so subtle and innocent that, at first, he/she doesn’t even realise they are under your enchantment. When he/she does, they must be willing to want and explore more.

As you start formulating delicious words, Kylie’s Minogue “All the lovers” starts to play on the radio:

I’m on fire, fire, fire. If love is really good, you want more.

Your fingers are ready to flow with your mind’s unholiest desires. Forget about “What are you wearing?” Too clichéd. Try the next best thing on the menu: “Do you have space for dessert?” as he/she returns from lunch.If they’re in a meeting, try “I promise I wont distract you. You can find me under the desk.” A winking face, an ellipsis or a licking face often follows this. The fun lies in them deciphering their own intentions through your messages.

Their response is often the “make or break” of your potential relationship. A boring person will respond “Oh, that’s hot.” The one with potential will not respond straight away, but may ask you in a few minutes: “If you’re still there, it’s worth it. Tell me more…”

It’s exhilarating at first. You feel rejuvenated by your erotic skills. You have managed to battle your low self-esteem by exuding online confidence. However, there are limits. Never give more than you originally intended.

SEXY STARS: Vanessa Hudgens was criticized when her naughty pictures to ex-beau Zac Effron were found on the Internet. Sexting also led to breaking up the marriages of Tony Parker, Tiger Woods and, almost, David Beckham. PIC: Online

Beyond the heat and excitement, there is a dark side to sexting…

According to a survey by Cosmo.girl in 2008, 20% of teens (13-19) and 33% of young adults (20-26) have sent nude or semi-nude photographs of themselves. Sexy images often land up on the Internet after a heated dispute. Be prepared to gamble with your dignity and reputation.

As you keep these not so appealing facts in mind, go ahead and sing along the concluding words to Kylie’s song in front of the mirror:

All the lovers that have gone before, they don’t compare to you…

As your content heart beats to the music, it’s clear you don’t need to find your potential reflection in that ocean of persuasion after all. For, after all that hot conversation and attraction you have mastered, how can that lover ever compare to you?

TURN ONs:

“Hi, are you still awake? I wanna explore some of your dreams…”
“Are you wearing what I think you are? I’m only wearing that fragrance you love.”
“I need to meet you right now. Bring any hot thought.”
“What’s your wildest fantasy? I wanna see if it matches mine…”
“I can’t stop thinking about the way you tasted earlier.”
“Don’t miss me yet. I’ve got so much more on the menu.”
“I need to touch you slightly longer next time.”
“I’m not quite sure what made you so ‘happy’ last time. Care to remind me?”
“I miss your fingers dancing on my tummy.”
“Next time, just close your eyes and enjoy.”

iSeeYOU: Is it really for his/ her eyes only... Mmmm..... PIC: Online

Bad bad boys

VANESSA SMEETS

SMOKING HOT: Yip, the ultimate "bad boy" makes you feel smoking hot, only to burn you in the end. PIC: online

At 25, I’ve witnessed dozens of heartbreaks: some my own, some my friends. It all begins in childhood with your “first love:”
At age 10, you suddenly realize you really like your best friend. You hang out all the time. You laugh at all his jokes, even the corny ones.
At age 13, you start wearing make-up in hope he’ll notice you.
At age 16, you have your first drink in hope you’ll lose all inhibitions and finally tell him how you feel. Too late. He ends up making out with one of your good friends and they date till varsity.
In the years apart, he hardly talks to you, as she feels threatened by your friendship. One day, he calls you in the middle of the night: “I made a mistake… I cheated on her.”
You give him the usual advice on honesty and love: “Don’t worry, be honest. Tell her what happened.” She breaks it off before he gets the chance. He calls you now, night after night, in a drunken stupor:

“You’re the only one that truly knows me. I…. I….”

NAKED TRUTH: Could you ever be happy with a bad boy as hot as Gaspard Ulliel? Maybe it's time to rethink the long-term effects of living on the edge: unnecessary stress, hassle and heartbreak. PIC: Online

The phone suddenly hangs up. He’s been in a terrible car accident. Luckily, he survives and for days you visit him relentlessly. Your heart breaks to see him so vulnerable and in so much pain.
His eyes open but he has no idea who you are anymore. Maybe he heard your crying or gentle words of love and comfort while he was in a coma.
Okay, this story seems a little over-the-top, yet isn’t this what most girls go through? For years, we try getting the attention of the one guy that made us feel special (even just once). You dote on his achievements, his girlfriends, and his mistakes, only to be told years later that it was all in vain.

At age 18, it’s your Matric Dance/ Prom and you sadly realize he’s going with “her” despite the promise you guys made to each other years ago… Instead, you go on a blind date with your dentist’s son or, God forbid, your distant cousin.
All night, you watch him in the arms of that other girl. That other girl who has no idea why he has a scar above his left eye or what music makes him laugh or tick. They kiss at midnight. You watch and lose yourself in the infatuation that one day it will be you.
At varsity, you finally let go and fall for the bad boy who never comes to class, but always asks for your notes.

“I really need a private tutor,” he tells you with a charming smile.

You stay late to help him out. Alone in the library, he tries to kiss you. What the hell… You go for it. The next time he finally turns up in class, but completely ignores you.
You go out with your girlfriends and swear you’ll never fall for someone again, yet you end up reminiscing on your childhood sweethearts most of the night. Some have gone bald. Some are fathers. Some have escaped the country in hope of something better.
“Escape,” such a beautiful word. Just as you wonder what happened to your childhood friend, he appears out of nowhere: “Hey beautiful! Remember me? Remember us?”
There’s a slight teasing in his voice that makes you feel uncomfortable. His friends join your friends, happily chatting away; but you two have absolutely nothing to say to each other.

In fact, all you want and need to say is FORBIDDEN TERRITORY:

“I loved you for years and never said a word. I watched you break a dozen hearts, including my own. And now all I have to say is I HATE YOU for wanting my heart, getting it and throwing it away over and over again.”

It’s a question that has bedazzled scientists, psychologists and Sex & the City junkies for years:

Why do women fall for the wrong type?

• He’s exciting. Fantasizing about someone unattainable is as hot as a night out with a complete stranger. The fantasy out-does the reality no matter what.
• He’s a natural high. You know you can’t have him, yet watching him and even slightly touching him gets you high.
• He’s the perfect escape. You’ll always have something to talk about with your girlfriends: how cute he is, who’s his new flame, do you still have a chance…

Sorry, ladies, but this guy you claim to love and talk about is a complete waste of time. In the words of Marilyn Monroe: if he didn’t appreciate you in the worst of times, he certainly won’t appreciate you in the best of times.
You’ll just be that girl he can booty-call, have virtual sex with whenever he feels like it or turns to for obvious advice, but completely ignores in real life. Really now? What about that guy you’ve been teasing for years, always turn to and yet ignore when he gets too close? It sucks to be in his place, doesn’t it? Time to break your fantasy and finally unbreak your heart.

There’s no place for you when it comes to you and the bad bad boy’s ego.

The Brutal Truth: Men versus Women

VANESSA SMEETS

BATTLE OF THE SEXES: Two completely different species? No, two completely different ways of thinking... PIC: online

There’s nothing like the muse of personal experience to inspire. This is what men say and what they really mean…

I think you’re special, but… >> You’re just not the one.

You’re so beautiful and intelligent, yet… >> I had my fun, it’s time to let go.

Look, it happened just once… >> It may just happen again.

Call me later when you’ve settled down. >> You’re annoying me.

I can’t see you this week or the next. >> I’m just not that into you.

I’ll call you sometime. >> If I remember your name, I’ll call you.

Why are you wearing that? >> It makes you look fat.

Your friend is cool. >> I think she’s hot.

Who’s your friend? >> Can I get her number?

Let’s be friends. >> Let’s pray you don’t take out some vicious revenge plot out on me!

Look, the sex was fun. >> That’s all it was to me.

I don’t know where this is going… >> We’re over. Whatever it was.

It’s not you, it’s me. >> It is you. I just don’t dig you that much…

You got to move on. >> Leave. Right now.

I don’t know what to say. >> Stop asking! I have really no idea what you want me to tell you.

Why are you upset? >> Oh gosh, here we go for another two hours…

I’m tired. >> Please stop talking to me.

Sorry, I only saw your message/ phone-call now. >> You’re not that important to me.

Stop calling me. >> Stop calling…. For good.

Dirty, Pretty Things

VANESSA SMEETS

BIG BUSINESS: The sex worker industry is estimated to make over $100 billion per year. PIC: online

Sitting at a table in Long Street, Cape Town, I’m not quite sure who I’m looking for. Her voice was sweet on the phone, yet I found her in one of those ‘call-girl lines’ hidden away in the classifieds.

Cindy (27) finds me straight away.
“I thought that funky colour would match your voice,” she tells me excitedly.
She’s been a sex worker for nine years, but hates the word.
“I’m a call-girl in the week and a real-girl on the weekend.”

Her skin is a beautiful mocha colour and her black wavy hair reaches just over her breasts. It’s hard not to notice them; her red blouse is buttoned much too low, matching the pretty red lace bra underneath.
“Why do you do it?” I ask. Better not waste any time, she seems a little nervous.
“I caught you noticing my broken blouse. Sorry about that… wild client.”
Only then do I notice her blouse is torn and isn’t intentionally buttoned so low. Strange she used the word “broken.”

“Why do I do it?” she continues:

“I ask myself that every birthday, every Easter, every Christmas, every day. I guess it’s fun, you know. I turn guys on by making their wildest fantasies come alive over the phone. It gave me a kick to know I was so powerful. A horny guy is very vulnerable… His heart’s racing. His crotch is throbbing.”

I look down. She notices.
“Does that word make you uncomfortable?”
“No, not at all. I’m surprised you didn’t use something cruder.”
“Oh yeah? I may talk dirty, but here it’s a proper interview, you know.”

She lights up a cigarette. Her hands are well manicured, painted in bright coral.
“When did it become more than just a voice?”
“That high of turning them on soon fell away. I needed to touch them, experience it for myself.”
Her voice quickens:

“I had my first sexual experience at 13. I was swimming in a public pool, minding my own business when I caught a boy about my age staring at me. It didn’t mean much, you know. We kissed and touched under the water. I never asked his name but he was allowed to touch me like no one else had. That’s when the fantasy of reality begins. Nothing beats it.”

SILK STALKINGS: Prostitution is considered to be the most dangerous female occupation, with a homicide rate of 204 per 100 000. PIC: online

“So, you enjoy having sex with strangers?”
She plays with the ash-tray, avoiding eye-contact.
“It pays my bills, you know. During the World Cup, I made enough to pay off my mortgage and buy a cute car.”
“Don’t you consider itself ‘dirty money’?”

“Listen here, I work hard for what I got! I aim to please!” she says, glaring into my eyes. Her voice then softens again.
“During the World Cup, I experienced businessmen from Germany, family guys from France and sex fanatics from Holland. We played safe.”
“Yeah, but a condom isn’t full-proof,” I tell her quickly.
“I know. I’ve had my scares: six torn condoms and three mistakes.”
“Mistakes?”
“You tell a guy he can tie you up and have fun, but he’ll go bananas and forget to wrap his tool.”
“What then?”

“The guy will always apologise, but he’ll never ask you to call him back and get tested together or offer to pay for the abortion.”

Cindy’s child is three years old.
“Tommy* is the one I didn’t get rid of. I was so close though. It was a bad month. I had taken three morning after-pills in a four-week interval. Stupid. And had an abortion two months before. The gynae told me if I killed it… him… I could never conceive again.”
“Do you know who the father is?”
“No. But, I’m pretty sure it’s one of my regulars. They have the same eyes.”
“A regular?”
“He visits me once a month, when his wife is at her parents. If he wasn’t married, we’d be together.”
“How do you know?”
“We share a bond more than just sex. He’ll talk to me about his job, his in-laws, his stress and then show me a pic of his little boys playing in the garden. I want to show him Tommy, how much they all look alike, but then I freeze. He still asks me about those months I was missing. Those months of freedom to have my child were bliss. I felt real, you know. I was an independent woman, a caring mother, a role-model.”

“Why go back?”

PRIVATE PRACTICE: Although prostitution is illegal in countries like South Africa, it is still common practice. Sex workers like Cindy who practise privately are, therefore, not protected by the law. PIC: online.

“Waitressing doesn’t cut it and I hate sitting behind a desk.”
“What about exotic dancing?”
“Teazers? Haha… had a blast there for a while, but my son needs me in the evenings.”

I refuse to ask how much she makes, but she insists in telling me.
“You’re not exploiting me by wanting to know. Business is business. I charge R500 for a blowjob and between R2000 to R3000 for the full deal. Blowjobs are more popular, but my least favourite. There’s something so much more intimate about it… No kissing on the mouth, ever. Regulars give me extras: jewellery, weekends away or a pretty dress. Never lingerie. They don’t want to picture me with someone else while wearing it.”

She lights up another cigarette.
“That turns men off: to know how many, how often and how… I may objectify sex, but I’m never just the object. I don’t want to be seen as a piece of meat. Cindy is my playful name and that’s how it is. When I’m home, I’m Mommy.”
“How much longer? What about your son?”
“I haven’t really figured that out. On Parents’ Day, I’ll be absent. At his Matric Dance, I’ll be absent. At his wedding, I’ll be absent.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve put him up for adoption. I’m HIV positive. The bastard who gave it to me raped me. No condom. No name. No payment. Just a lifetime of guilt. My little boy is young enough to forget me still. I don’t want him to see Mommy dying.”

She starts to cry and fidgets with the napkin:

“These are dirty, pretty things: my body, my memories and my mistakes. Yet, my little boy was the first man to give me real love. I can’t imagine not seeing him grow up, but I have no choice. And now I’m sick, so I’ve stopped the real stuff and gone back to being a call-girl.”

“That’s how we found each other…”
She smiles and lights up one last cigarette.
“’Don’t fall in love’ was the biggest lie I was told. I’m going to die with no one by my side, because I was too afraid to experience it. Sex, any time. Love, never. Those are two of the dirtiest, prettiest things…”

FAST FACTS:

• Prostitution has been illegal in South Africa since the 1957 Sexual Offences Act (SOA). The purchase of sex was added as an offence in a 2007 amendment. 
• Fears of increased prostitution during the 2010 FIFA World Cup led to calls for it to be legalised and regulated; in order to help control AIDS and STIs and for the protection of the sex workers. This, however, did not fall through, although businesses like Teazers were highly popular.
• Prostitution is illegal in most African countries, except for Ivory Coast, Ethiopia and Senegal.
• “Prostitute” comes from the Latin prostituere; which means to set forth in public and to expose, dishonour or use for unworthy use.
• Prostitution is regulated as a profession in countries like the Netherlands and parts of Germany.
• Human trafficking is primarily used for prostituting women and children and is now described as “the largest slave trade in history” and is set to out-do drug trafficking.
• The homicide rate for female prostitutes was estimated to be 204 per 100 000, higher than any other female occupation.

EXTRA SOURCES:
– police documents
– various newspaper articles
– Wikipedia.org

Don’t be a drag, just be a queen

VANESSA SMEETS

SAVE US: "Save the rhinos" with the motto 'Let me be horny' had the most colourful float. PHOTO: Vanessa Smeets

Lady Gaga’s new song “Born this Way” hit South Africa just in time for its 16th Gay Pride Parade in Cape Town on March 5, which celebrated ‘Love our Diversity ‘ and became an anthem in the scorching heat, blazing loudly from several floats.

Spectators could also hear the chanting of “We’re queer and we’re here” as the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) pride flag adorned the city in red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet.

Stellenbosch University’s Lesbigay opted for fairies and mythical creatures with the slogan “We exist,” blowing bubbles into the crowd. They shared the float with a few Cape Townian friends and decorated it in plastic ivy, sunflowers and pink and green balloons.

LET'S BE GAY: Lesbigay's colourful attire as mythical creatures made their second Pride Parade unforgettable. PHOTO: Vanessa Smeets

“Next year, we hope to have our own float. Thirty members supported us this year, compared to the handful last year. It was absolutely magical,” said Ellen Wang, Lesbigay’s marketer and treasurer.

Other floats included a “Save the Rhinos” float with the slogan Let me be horny, a Beefcakes float decorated by pink flamingos, a bubble bath party, Cape Town Lesbians float decorated by women in lingerie, Crew’s float adorned with men in army briefs and the public dressed in colourful and original gear on foot.

OUT AND ABOUT: The Pride Parade in Cape Town took a new route this year, leaving some members a little worried about their safety. PHOTO: Vanessa Smeets

Pride started this year at the end of February with the Pride Film Premiere, the Red Party (to promote HIV awareness), a massive pool party and finally the parade which made its way up Beach Road, along the Cape Town stadium, through Sea Point’s Main Road and ended with an anti-climax afterparty at the stadium. Lack of music and ambiance influenced the majority to hit Clifton’s Third Beach and later end up at the Pink Strip’s clubs.

FALLEN QUEEN: DJuze Nipples before her tragic fall. PHOTO: Vanessa Smeets

“Lots of people were also bothered by this year’s new route, which made us more visible than last year. They felt more at ease in the old route,” said Roberto Millan, Lesbigay’s ex-chair. Dylan van Vuuren, Rainbow UCT’s former chair agrees: “The route could have been better organised and the R30 entrance at the afterparty was far too much. There wasn’t even a proper MC.”

Amongst the sea of rainbow flags, feather boas, fishnet stockings and men in drag, people holding placards shouted into the crowd: “Jesus can save you from homosexuality!” and “Jesus can save you from the lake of fire!” They blasted sirens into the crowd, which were dumbed down by the floats hooting to a maximum as they passed by.

THE GREAT DIVIDE: Religion was a strong topic in this year's Gay Pride Parade. PHOTO: Vanessa Smeets

Ironically, in the song Gaga sings, “It doesn’t matter if you love him or Him,” a direct reference to God, which permeated the entire parade, as a few floats opted to include religion as part of their theme. A group of Muslims were dressed in Middle-Eastern gear of silk saris and kaftans on their float, with a huge banner that read : “Created in the image of Allah. Muslim. Lesbian. Do you see the resemblance?”

The Good Hope Metropolitan Community Church decorated their float with a huge cross covered in the colours of the Pride flag, with two children holding up the official South African rainbow flag above the banner: “Would Jesus discriminate?” The ‘official’ South African Gay Flag was launched at last year’s MCQP party.

BEEF IT UP: The Beefcakes float claimed to have 'the best buns in town' and were a stern crowd favourite. PHOTO: Vanessa Smeets

The parade was interrupted half way when a drag queen “DJuze Nipples,” who was part of the Beefcakes float, fell off from the top of the truck as she moved to sing. Suffering from concussion, bruises and a cut leg, she was rushed to hospital in a brace and stretcher.

The Pride flag has been listed as the world’s largest flag by The Guinness Book of World Records. It was created in 1978 by American artist Gilbert Baker, who claimed to be influenced by Judy Garland singing ‘Over the rainbow.’

What the Pride flag colours mean :

Red : life
Orange : Healing
Yellow : sunlight
Green : nature
Turquoise : magic/ art
Blue : serenity/ harmony
Violet : spirit

Some flags have re-adopted the hot pink above the red, which represents sexuality.

EXTRA SOURCES : Eyewitness News, IOL, wikipedia.org, official Pride website