Playing a Player: The Big Bad Wolf

VANESSA SMEETS

 

Beast/ wolf-man

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Beneath the exterior of Mr Nice Guy, there's the beast who is able to steal your heart and eat your dreams. The band Duck Sauce has opened up a whole new debate: What if this beast is woman, not man? PIC: Online/ Wolf-man movie

The new Duck Sauce song “Big Bad Wolf” is bringing the notion of ‘player’ to a whole new level: that it can apply both to men and women.

The video is 18-rated for explicitly showing men on the prowl, hunting for hot girls. After finding the chosen targets in a bar, the ‘leader of the pack’ unzips his pants and you are horrified to find a head in the place of his “package.” The second guy follows suit and their heads howl in unison towards the ladies. They take them home and, shockingly, the women also have heads instead of their ‘delicate areas.’

Ah, the bitter-sweet wolf-whistle. Some girls thrive on its power to make you feel sexy, others hate it for demeaning women as pieces of meat. For many girls, the video shows the disturbing truth of being confronted by sex every day. You cannot wear cleavage, a short skirt or red lipstick without being stared at constantly. But, the video also shows another interesting dynamic: women who think more like men about sex. The girls in the video are just as keen to partake in making out and sleeping with the lustful heads.

But, is this the effect guys anticipate? A guy friend once told me:

“Girls don’t dress that way (short skirts, red lipstick) for guys. They wear that for each other. It’s a constant competition of who is hotter and who can keep your attention for longer.”

Duck Sauce wolf

MIND GAMES: Are men and women thinking more and more alike? The new song "Big Bad Wolf" argues yes. PIC: Online

What the other guys say:

“Dressing sexy may attract me. But personality is what keeps me.”

“Girls are thinking more like men. It’s all about: ‘I am hot. I need sex.’ While the men are thinking: Damn! My heart will be broken again.”

“The more skin I see, the more I lack respect. Come on, leave something to the imagination!”

“Girls must stop thinking I want to talk dirty constantly. Sometimes ‘How was your day?’ will just be as meaningful. Knowing you care about me is a massive turn on all on its own.”

“She broke up with me when I told her I needed a break from all the sex. Yeah, it hurts at times down there! She didn’t believe me, thought I had someone on the side…”

“I can’t take it when I’m in a club enjoying the music and some random girl rubs herself against my crotch. I’ve been slapped for not reacting. Sometimes I just wanna listen to the music!”
“I think Cosmo and programmes like Sex and the City are breeding the man-eater generation. She wants sex with Mr Right Now, not Mr Right.”

“I’m scared of those girls who plaster themselves in make-up and expect you to take them home. I just want the real deal, stop trying to give me America’s Next Top Model wannabe.”

“Women are the hunters these days, but I still wanna do the chasing. There’s no fun in it being the other way around. I’ll lose interest too quickly.”

“Girls these days keep asking me if I’m a T ‘n T (Tits or Toosh/ Ass) guy. They are horrified to find I’m a smile or eyes kind of guy. Those attributes keep me dreaming…”

The better to smell you with

This miscommunication between men and women may have been caused by the girl’s unfortunate meeting with “the Big Bad Wolf,” once upon a time. This is the guy who’s been emotionally present in a girl’s life for a few weeks, months or even years. He listens to her problems, comforts her with the right words and NEVER makes any comments on her physique.

She comes to believe that he is neutral; that, unlike other guys, he really cares about her. Indeed, he does. It boosts his ego to know how powerful he is to her. She makes the fatal mistake of idolising him.

wolf pack

MOB HYSTERIA: Are men or women more dangerous when they hunt in packs? Who does the chasing, after all? PIC: Online

The better to see you with

This was the case for Michelle. For two and a half years, she dated such a man. At first, their relationship was based on duty and role-play.

She had to clean his flat, massage him and give up her friends to make time for him. Slowly, their relationship transitioned into something romantic, only he would control her by never kissing her on the lips. He only kissed her when she was “well behaved” i.e. when she did exactly as she was told.

She didn’t realise she was just another girl and just another trophy. He never openly flirted with anyone, but his charm kept his popularity intact. She continued to believe they were a happy couple, when in fact it was the most torturous emotional prison. She soon lost her friends, identity and almost her life. After their twentieth break-up , she tried to commit suicide.

Beast

TRUE LOVE: Little girls are led to believe that true love can break any spell and Prince Charming will one day magically appear. PIC: Online/ Beauty and The Beast Disney movie

The better to eat you with

The Big Bad Wolf comes in various forms:

  • Mr Nice Guy: He listens diligently and has the kindest eyes. He also writes to you regularly. You come to believe he truly cares about you. But, one night, you spot him kissing someone else. He casually explains you guys were just friends anyway. You fall for those kind eyes again… until you see him kissing yet another girl the next week and the next.
  • Sweet Talker: He’s full of amazing compliments (mostly about your intelligence/ ambition/ ideals) and takes you for midnight rides in his Merc or BMW. You really believe you are special to him. One night, he kisses you passionately, then asks for your best friend’s number the next time you meet up.
  • Adonis: You meet him at gym. A few months later, he becomes your Personal Trainer after casual talks outside. One night, he asks you out for a glass of wine and takes you back to his place instead. He removes his shirt and casually says: “You can look, but don’t touch: I’ve been in a relationship for five years. But, G*d, you smell good…”
  • Prince Charming: He’s the geeky guy at work that helped fix your car, your computer and your bad back. What talented fingers! One night, you invite him out to thank him. He shows up with his boyfriend. Arghhh….
  • Night Knight: He’s your ex-flame who calls you up each time he’s in town. Each time you tell him no, he ends up sending you something sentimental: the clip of the first song you danced to, a bottle of the perfume you wore when you first met. His memory is excellent, but luckily so is yours…

A crazy little thing called LOVE…

VANESSA SMEETS

“Open up your mind and let me step inside,
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide,
It’s so easy when you know the rules, It’s so easy all you have to do Is fall in love
Play the game
Everybody play the game – of love”

 – Queen, Play the Game

  

adam eve

ORIGINAL SIN: Our first celebrity couple, Adam and Eve, didn't give us much to be hopeful for in the game of love...

 

In the beginning, God created man and from man was born woman. Adam and Eve, the first celebrity couple, were of the same flesh, or were they? They certainly had different tactics: she wanted power, knowledge and freedom, while all he wanted was a loving wife. Thanks to Eve, immortality was history and later used in programs like “Highlander.”

 However, Adam stayed faithful to his wife, was later banned from the Garden of Eden and was destined to be questioned by men of the future: Can my wife be trusted?

In the beginning, God had already planned the course of true love…

The Bible explains the story of another influential pair: Abraham and Sarah. Although he impregnated their much younger maid, she remained loyal and her faith bore him an incredible son whose father was prepared to sacrifice for his love of God.

The course of true love was planned with ultimate sacrifice that would eventually lead nations.

Macbeth

CRAZY LOVE: She stole his heart and then his sanity. Lady Macbeth plots to bring her husband to power. PIC: online

Shakespeare writes of an exquisite couple, one who had it all: glamour, status, passion and, most of all, ambition. He was a Scott with a thirst for blood and his wife was a pavement special (in attitude) between Cruella De Vil, Winnie Mandela and the witch from Wizard of Oz. Lady Macbeth held on to her husband’s fate a little too tightly; Macbeth was eventually decapitated.

The course of true love never did run again…

Who can forget our idols: Romeo and Juliet? He was on his way to college, living the prime of his life, partying up a storm and well she… she was a Grade 9 girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Their eyes met at a Shakespearian-inspired night club (of course she looked twice her age) and only after the deed was done, did she dare tell him her real age.

  

romeo

ETERNAL KISS: Star-crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet ponder passionately before their untimely death... PIC: Online

The course of true love never did end as fast…

Then there was dynamite that couldn’t have come in a smaller package. Together, they were known as Pinky and Brain, a.k.a. Josephine and Napoleon. All he wanted was a wife that never bathed; yet she convinced him to try and take over the world.

The course of true love never did smell as bad…

Here we are today: same type of mistakes, same type of couples, and same type of love: Clinton and Hillary, Clinton and Monica, Clinton and cigar! One in five people read about it, one in three songs moan about it and one in two poems cry about it.

For better or worse, through sickness and in health: the course of true love never did run smooth…

Time holds the key to our troubled minds: the end is as close as we make it out to be. To an end, true love will never come. True love will never end.

BUT, WHAT IS THIS PHENOMENON CALLED “LOVE”?

 

As defined by various individuals:

“Love is a choice – a wonderful yet painful choice. It encompasses sacrifice, joy, perseverance, ecstasy, forgiveness and wisdom. It’s the ultimate paradox,” Sandra, student.     

love is“Love is the most abused word, often confused with lust, like, passion. Love is a powerful feeling that only a few have experienced. Christ’s life is love,” Didier, physiotherapist.

 

“Love is to trust no matter what, to protect the person even if that means giving your life and to take care of them till the day they die,” Guinevere, student.

“Love is when each partner brings out the best in each other,” John C, student.

“Love is a feeling of respect, passion and wanting the best for that person – which includes an awkward butterfly feeling in your stomach,” Bianca, student.

“Love is like the wind – you can’t see it but you can feel it. It’s a strong word – easy to spell, difficult to define and impossible to live without,” Mercedes, student.

“Love: the state of mind characterised by the will to appreciate something/ someone,” Ekerette, student.

“Love is a never-ending experience filled with challenges, emotions and fulfilness,” Belen, student.

“Love = bliss. It transcends. It’s like the moment after you’ve cum, when all the chemistry of lust is spent and your mind is spiking more than the sex moments earlier, just because your feelings are made manifest. Love transcends the physical. It transcends lust, chemistry and circumstance. And, it’s a bugger,” John S, student.

love is“Love does not hurt you at any time: it is pure happiness that allows you to do whatever you desire,” Jean-Eduard, student.

“Love is being present in mind, heart, body and action and setting one’s soul alight, a flight and alive. No words can ever embody this word humankind calls love,” Vanessa, student.

“Love is giving of oneself freely, without any obligation or too much expectation,” Amélie, grandmother, married for 60 years.

“Love is being fair, love is caring. Love is special, like making breakfast in the morning, lunch during the day and dinner at night. Love is being a good woman!” Krzysztof, student.

“Love is separate from lust in such a way that it completes above sexual satisfaction, fuses emotions and brings together two people on the same level of respect and emotional connection,” Chantal, general practitioner.

Going the distance

VANESSA SMEETS

long distance

Is your heart strong enough to battle the distance? PIC: online

While watching Drew Barrymore’s quite recent movie Going the distance (yip, about long-distance relationships) on a flight to Europe to see someone special, I realised I was in the same dilemma… As much as you like or love the person, it really is excruciating to know they’re on the other side of the world.

No hugs on a bad day. No telling you “You’re beautiful” with your new dress. No morning kiss. No making love spontaneously on a lunch-break.

And yet, it was the happiest I’d ever been. Those physical things didn’t matter that much anymore. In past relationships, I would quickly get bored of holding hands, going to the movies and the dreaded fighting (inevitable when you’re around each other 24/7). Here, I had the ability to grow and heal as an individual and yet feel attractive, as someone incredible felt (hopefully) the same way about me.

I had friends who from the start against it: “Long distance doesn’t work!” “Guys can’t be faithful!” “Don’t get attached…You’ll get burnt.” “How the hell do you keep each other satisfied?” “You can’t trust someone if you can’t see them.”

It was hard. But, trust was the most important factor. Not necessarily trusting the other person, but trusting myself not to become paranoid or disillusioned. There may be dozens of people close to you that think you’re nuts, but in the long-run you’ve got to ask yourself: Where is this going? Does he/ she want the same things?

In the end, as a wise friend told me, it is ONLY between you and him/ her.

There are over 6 billion people on Earth and, yet, out of the 5000 I had maybe met, this particular person stood out. I wasn’t looking for anyone at the time. I was just enjoying my family and friends.

long distance

Missing your other half? With modern technology, over 52 million couples are in long-distance. PIC: online

Modern technology has ensured that millions of people meet online and find the right one through cyber-dating. Some keep it alive through sexting. Others keep the spontaneity going through romantic letters, poems or photos.

When someone means a lot to you, you’ll be surprised what gifts you suddenly possess. I realised I loved writing to him… Beautiful letters. I would write him a poem or something in his mother-tongue and decorate it diligently. Each page (and there were sometimes six of them) took at least two hours to make. He was worth it… And to see his smile on the webcam weeks later with the letter in hand reminded me what it was all for.

Yes, I miss him a lot… If I see something he’d like (like a beautiful sunset), I take a picture and send it via MMS. Thank you, Mark Zuckerberg, for Facebook chat and Skype for making it almost real. I remember him blowing out a candle I was holding on his birthday.

Some tips for those in long-distance:

  • Use your imagination! Write him/ her a letter or song. Order flowers through an online site. Go see him/ her.
  • Share! Like any ordinary couple, share your favourite movies/ TV series/ YouTube clip. It helps you to bond…
  • Communicate! If you’re feeling down, rather tell him/ her before you feel worse. Don’t focus on the separation. Focus on the individual (what makes them special).
  • Respect! If you’re Facebook friends, try to avoid cyberstalking. Often, people misinterpret things online. Online jealousy (not necessarily online/ cyber cheating) is one of the most common reasons to divorce.
  • Believe! If you believe this is the right person, then you need to have enough internal magic (spontaneity/ passion/ humour) to keep it going.
  • Compromise! One of you will one day have to make a life-changing decision to move closer. After all, some memories are too special not to share in person.

 

Check out the poll:

http://whosright.com/poll/can-long-distance-relationships-work


 

The other woman

other woman

WHO IS SHE? Pic: online

VANESSA SMEETS

You’ve been dating Jeremy for nine months. He’s kind and caring. He sleeps over at your place every second weekend. He even cleans your dishes. When he runs his fingers through your hair as you kiss or serves you breakfast in bed, nothing else matters.

Yip, he seems perfect. But, somehow, you just don’t trust him. He hides his phone when you’re around. It’s almost always on silent. He often comes home late or tells you he’ll call you back. If you do call, he’s often cold or treats you like an acquaintance rather than a lover.

You start making excuses. He’s speaking to me like that because he’s busy or around his colleagues. He can’t come this weekend because his mother is sick again. You haven’t met his parents yet, because they live far away. Wow, another expensive gift to say sorry.

You love him and brush it off. This too shall pass. But, things become more worrying when you decide to surprise him one weekend. He isn’t home. His door his locked and the spare key he gave you doesn’t work. You look through the kitchen window. The dishes are neatly packed away. There are no breadcrumbs or spilt milk. He obviously hasn’t lived there in weeks.

He calls you that evening. As much as you want to answer and confront him, you decide not to. You let it ring over and over again. Your emotions are all over the place. Well, he has an obsession with clean dishes, so maybe that’s why they were neatly packed away.

silhouette kissing

Are you... Is she... Is he...? Pic: online

“Hi Jeremy,” you say after the third missed call.

“Jeremy? Since when do you call me by my name? What happened to ‘sweetheart’?” he asks, worried, “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah…yeah,” you say, softly, “How was your weekend?”

“Fine. Dan and I went on an impulsive fishing trip.”

Your heart speeds up. He wasn’t home after all.

The next time you see each other, you subconsciously begin to question his every action and word. He kisses you briskly on the cheek, not softly on the lips as he used to. He doesn’t run his fingers through your hair when you kiss anymore. All the books you’ve read have stated the obvious: he’s cheating on you.

“Jeremy…” you say as he takes you out for lunch at your favourite restaurant. You’re not sure how to start the rest of the sentence: “Am I… Are you… Is she…”

What if he’s not? What if it’s all in your imagination?

His phone rings. He has to leave. He doesn’t call or even send an sms that night. The worrying has now turned to paranoia. It eats you up inside. You don’t want to accuse him falsely. It may be your fault, you decide. Out of the six guys you’ve dated before him, four cheated on you and the other two cheated on you after you accused them falsely. If he isn’t cheating, will he start cheating now that I’ve asked?

That night, he surprises you with flowers. He looks exhausted and asks for a massage. He’s just been fired from his job. As he lies passed out on your bed after making love, you spot his phone lying on the floor next to his pants. It’s your chance to see the truth for yourself. A part of you knows it’s completely unethical. What is a relationship without trust?

You take the phone to the bathroom. You look through the messages first. They’re just from you, Dan and his mother. Relief. You scroll down to one week back, then two weeks back, till the weekend of the ‘fishing trip.’

The message from Dan is strange: “Hey J! I know we decided to go fishing later, but I completely forgot I have to hand in a business proposal tomorrow! Sorry dude!”

Oh my, he’s lied. Where was he that weekend? The rest of the phone is clean. Oddly clean. Even the phone register has been wiped clean. You look through the photos now. There are beautiful photos of sunsets, cocktails and bikini models, all his favourite things.

You place the phone exactly where it was. You lie next to him and the tears slowly pour out from your eyes. His hands reach for your waist.

“Why did you have to go and do that?” he asks softly, his lips pressed against your ear.

You don’t know what to say. You turn around to look at him. His eyes are glistening.

“I love you and you don’t trust me?”

“I’m sorry… You’re just different. You talk to me weird. Your mother comes first. You see me less and less and you go on non-existent fishing trips!”

“Slow down!” he shouts back, “I talk to you weird because it wasn’t going well at work. The boss complained I was taking your calls too much. I love hearing your voice. It’s what kept me going, so I talked to you differently so he wouldn’t suspect it was my girlfriend. My mother is sick. She raised me alone and I’m petrified of losing her! I see you less because you don’t run your fingers through my hair when we kiss anymore either. I stopped doing it too, because I thought you were getting bored of me. I needed you to touch me like before.”

He pauses to catch his breath: “I did go on that fishing trip! Dan cancelled, so I went alone. If I told you I went alone, you wouldn’t have believed me.”

Your heart aches now with guilt. The other woman ruining your relationship is you… The jealous, needy, emotional you who can’t trust men. You almost lost the one who could be trusted, because you were too afraid to ask the right questions.

 

Ask yourself:

  • Do you question everything he says or does?
  • Are you suspicious when he compliments you or buys you an expensive gift?
  • Do you check his Facebook profile, emails or phone?
  • Are you blaming the “past you” for your current paranoia?

If you answered “yes” to two or more questions, you have serious trust issues and need to deal with them as quickly as possible.

Some tips:

  • Analyse your past first. Who hurt you and how have you dealt with it?
  • Give yourselves a break. If you start assuming he’s cheating, it’s often because the relationship has become monotonous.
  • Have faith in him and yourself. You can’t sustain a relationship on half-truths or empty suspicions.