Unrequited Love…

VANESSA SMEETS

Fire and Ice, Robert Frost
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favour fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

CHASING A DREAM: Sometimes the burning desire to be loved in return leads you astray from the one person with you every step of the way: yourself. PIC: Internet

After years of searching for love in unconventional places, it hit me… Love is neither word nor feeling. It is action: 

Listening.
Dreaming.
Being.
Seeing.
Becoming.

But, this is not necessarily accomplished through others, but through the only person that can ultimately love you 100% in return: yourself. And once you fall in love with you are, the rest happens naturally… Not in the narcissistic kind of way, of course. Unfortunately, millions of people are dealing with unrequited love (devoting attention to people who feel very little for them) in their daily lives, leading them to becoming martyrs and masochists, allowing them to replace love with lust.

Love heals old wounds through patience and kindness, lust temporarily blinds you from them.

HEARTLESS: Wearing your heart on your sleeve only to have it getting lost or broken. PIC: Internet

With over 7 billion people on earth, the search to find one’s soul-mate that sets your soul aflight, wipes away your fears and whom you can ultimately share a family with, has become a life-long dilemma. In ancient Greece, soul-mates were believed to be souls who had been cut in half, left to search the world for their missing halves. For centuries, this search has fascinated poets, philosophers, song-writers and playwrights.

William Shakespeare based most of his plays and poetry on it. Ophelia in Hamlet believes he is the love of her life, only to discover that his obsession with his mother borders on incest. She literally drowns her sorrows by throwing herself in the castle’s moat, left to search for love for eternity. At first, Hamlet shows no remorse or guilt towards her death. But at her burial, he loses it completely, throwing himself into her grave: “Forty thousand brothers / Could not, with all their quantity of love, / make up my sum” (V.i.254–256).

Plato mastered the search for love in his Symposium. He cleverly deciphered erotic, selfish love (eros) from giving, selfless love (agape). He explains that true contentment only comes once one realizes the difference and gives up his soul not to someone else, but to the wisdom rejection brings.

OH, SCHULTZ: Even Charlie Brown was fascinated by unrequited love, searching his world for that little red haired girl. PIC: Internet

In contemporary society, the search for love has been both infused and confused with physical satisfaction. Magazines like FHM and Cosmopolitan, have led readers to believe that guys give love for sex and girls give sex for love. The man who falls into this trap continues to mislead women he is worth her while and dotes on her every move. Like the little schoolgirl being chased on the playground through the game, “kissing catchers,” she is flattered but scared. When she finally cracks and kisses or sleeps with him, he loses interest.
The more he rejects her, the more she yearns for him. This yearning can last for months or years, until she finally sees him with someone else.

Many women who have been victims to this, try to get revenge by turning the tables and sleeping with a guy first and then trying to break his heart later. Even if the guy is finally “Mr Nice Guy,” she feels tempted to cheat on him in order to justify her past mistakes. Or, she cheats on herself by becoming destructive towards him. She’ll act like the jealous, insecure type to see how much she truly means. All this, because she doesn’t believe she is special or unique enough to be loved, so fills the void by degrading herself and putting herself into tempting situations. The physical becomes the all, in order to avoid the emotional. 

Unrequited love is a lonely but inspiring quest:

It is the slow realization you are discovering the world in someone, only to realize they’ve conquered you already.

TIME AFTER TIME: They say time heals all wounds… Disagreed. It’s what you do in that time… PIC: Internet

The question is: can you conquer your own insecurities and fears to meet your true soul-mate? The one reflecting years of experience, staring at you in silence from the mirror, wishing you would notice them just once and not go back on that futile quest.

Here’s a short guide to distinguish love from lust, helping you to walk away from that which leads you on, only to lead you astray…

LOVE	LUST
Focus on future	Focus on present
Compassionate communication	Constant fighting
Their needs	Your needs
Feeling of renewal, growth	Feeling of restraint, insecurity
Discussions focus on emotional: dreams, aspirations, goals	Discussions focus on physical: sexual positions, past partners, libido
Security causing release: you want the best for them, even if that means letting go	Insecurity causing control: you want him/ her all to yourself, all the time
Long-lasting, compassionate	Quick-fix, competitive
Sentimental gifts (thoughtful/ nostalgic)	Material gifts (expensive/ impressive)
A journey of emotional discovery	A roller-coaster ride of physical satisfaction

Playing a Player: The Big Bad Wolf

VANESSA SMEETS

 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Beneath the exterior of Mr Nice Guy, there's the beast who is able to steal your heart and eat your dreams. The band Duck Sauce has opened up a whole new debate: What if this beast is woman, not man? PIC: Online/ Wolf-man movie

The new Duck Sauce song “Big Bad Wolf” is bringing the notion of ‘player’ to a whole new level: that it can apply both to men and women.

The video is 18-rated for explicitly showing men on the prowl, hunting for hot girls. After finding the chosen targets in a bar, the ‘leader of the pack’ unzips his pants and you are horrified to find a head in the place of his “package.” The second guy follows suit and their heads howl in unison towards the ladies. They take them home and, shockingly, the women also have heads instead of their ‘delicate areas.’

Ah, the bitter-sweet wolf-whistle. Some girls thrive on its power to make you feel sexy, others hate it for demeaning women as pieces of meat. For many girls, the video shows the disturbing truth of being confronted by sex every day. You cannot wear cleavage, a short skirt or red lipstick without being stared at constantly. But, the video also shows another interesting dynamic: women who think more like men about sex. The girls in the video are just as keen to partake in making out and sleeping with the lustful heads.

But, is this the effect guys anticipate? A guy friend once told me:

“Girls don’t dress that way (short skirts, red lipstick) for guys. They wear that for each other. It’s a constant competition of who is hotter and who can keep your attention for longer.”

MIND GAMES: Are men and women thinking more and more alike? The new song "Big Bad Wolf" argues yes. PIC: Online

What the other guys say:

“Dressing sexy may attract me. But personality is what keeps me.”

“Girls are thinking more like men. It’s all about: ‘I am hot. I need sex.’ While the men are thinking: Damn! My heart will be broken again.”

“The more skin I see, the more I lack respect. Come on, leave something to the imagination!”

“Girls must stop thinking I want to talk dirty constantly. Sometimes ‘How was your day?’ will just be as meaningful. Knowing you care about me is a massive turn on all on its own.”

“She broke up with me when I told her I needed a break from all the sex. Yeah, it hurts at times down there! She didn’t believe me, thought I had someone on the side…”

“I can’t take it when I’m in a club enjoying the music and some random girl rubs herself against my crotch. I’ve been slapped for not reacting. Sometimes I just wanna listen to the music!”
“I think Cosmo and programmes like Sex and the City are breeding the man-eater generation. She wants sex with Mr Right Now, not Mr Right.”

“I’m scared of those girls who plaster themselves in make-up and expect you to take them home. I just want the real deal, stop trying to give me America’s Next Top Model wannabe.”

“Women are the hunters these days, but I still wanna do the chasing. There’s no fun in it being the other way around. I’ll lose interest too quickly.”

“Girls these days keep asking me if I’m a T ‘n T (Tits or Toosh/ Ass) guy. They are horrified to find I’m a smile or eyes kind of guy. Those attributes keep me dreaming…”

The better to smell you with

This miscommunication between men and women may have been caused by the girl’s unfortunate meeting with “the Big Bad Wolf,” once upon a time. This is the guy who’s been emotionally present in a girl’s life for a few weeks, months or even years. He listens to her problems, comforts her with the right words and NEVER makes any comments on her physique.

She comes to believe that he is neutral; that, unlike other guys, he really cares about her. Indeed, he does. It boosts his ego to know how powerful he is to her. She makes the fatal mistake of idolising him.

MOB HYSTERIA: Are men or women more dangerous when they hunt in packs? Who does the chasing, after all? PIC: Online

The better to see you with

This was the case for Michelle. For two and a half years, she dated such a man. At first, their relationship was based on duty and role-play.

She had to clean his flat, massage him and give up her friends to make time for him. Slowly, their relationship transitioned into something romantic, only he would control her by never kissing her on the lips. He only kissed her when she was “well behaved” i.e. when she did exactly as she was told.

She didn’t realise she was just another girl and just another trophy. He never openly flirted with anyone, but his charm kept his popularity intact. She continued to believe they were a happy couple, when in fact it was the most torturous emotional prison. She soon lost her friends, identity and almost her life. After their twentieth break-up , she tried to commit suicide.

TRUE LOVE: Little girls are led to believe that true love can break any spell and Prince Charming will one day magically appear. PIC: Online/ Beauty and The Beast Disney movie

The better to eat you with

The Big Bad Wolf comes in various forms:

• Mr Nice Guy: He listens diligently and has the kindest eyes. He also writes to you regularly. You come to believe he truly cares about you. But, one night, you spot him kissing someone else. He casually explains you guys were just friends anyway. You fall for those kind eyes again… until you see him kissing yet another girl the next week and the next.
• Sweet Talker: He’s full of amazing compliments (mostly about your intelligence/ ambition/ ideals) and takes you for midnight rides in his Merc or BMW. You really believe you are special to him. One night, he kisses you passionately, then asks for your best friend’s number the next time you meet up.
• Adonis: You meet him at gym. A few months later, he becomes your Personal Trainer after casual talks outside. One night, he asks you out for a glass of wine and takes you back to his place instead. He removes his shirt and casually says: “You can look, but don’t touch: I’ve been in a relationship for five years. But, G*d, you smell good…”
• Prince Charming: He’s the geeky guy at work that helped fix your car, your computer and your bad back. What talented fingers! One night, you invite him out to thank him. He shows up with his boyfriend. Arghhh….
• Night Knight: He’s your ex-flame who calls you up each time he’s in town. Each time you tell him no, he ends up sending you something sentimental: the clip of the first song you danced to, a bottle of the perfume you wore when you first met. His memory is excellent, but luckily so is yours…

The Art of Sexting

VANESSA SMEETS

Some do it while in the bath, others at their office desks or as they rush to the bathroom. Some smile or giggle nervously when preoccupied. Others turn blood red and some are so good at it, they manage to hide their sweaty palms.

The art of sexting is a silent phenomenon. It involves gentle fingertips playing on the keyboard of your cellphone or computer. Even the shortest word like “now” has power. Some would argue it’s more difficult than the real act of lovemaking, as it involves eloquence and confidence for hours at a time. You have to be prepared to go “all the way” by exploring your most personal needs and desires…

SAFE SEX: Is sexting so much safer than real sex? Some will argue the risks are so much longer-lasting... PIC: Online

At first, it encompasses the art of seduction beyond erotic novels. You have to fish for someone willing to play with. Your protagonist then has to be willing to frolic in the ocean of persuasion with you, floating in euphoria.

Some see it as a chess game in the art of seduction and release.

You have to be willing to expose your most vulnerable assets: your willing heart and craving mind. At the same time, you must seem completely detached to keep him/her interested.

Or, like the stalking game, your prey has to be willing to escape just a little longer, as you come up with a different approach of attack.

This attack has to be so subtle and innocent that, at first, he/she doesn’t even realise they are under your enchantment. When he/she does, they must be willing to want and explore more.

As you start formulating delicious words, Kylie’s Minogue “All the lovers” starts to play on the radio:

I’m on fire, fire, fire. If love is really good, you want more.

Your fingers are ready to flow with your mind’s unholiest desires. Forget about “What are you wearing?” Too clichéd. Try the next best thing on the menu: “Do you have space for dessert?” as he/she returns from lunch.If they’re in a meeting, try “I promise I wont distract you. You can find me under the desk.” A winking face, an ellipsis or a licking face often follows this. The fun lies in them deciphering their own intentions through your messages.

Their response is often the “make or break” of your potential relationship. A boring person will respond “Oh, that’s hot.” The one with potential will not respond straight away, but may ask you in a few minutes: “If you’re still there, it’s worth it. Tell me more…”

It’s exhilarating at first. You feel rejuvenated by your erotic skills. You have managed to battle your low self-esteem by exuding online confidence. However, there are limits. Never give more than you originally intended.

SEXY STARS: Vanessa Hudgens was criticized when her naughty pictures to ex-beau Zac Effron were found on the Internet. Sexting also led to breaking up the marriages of Tony Parker, Tiger Woods and, almost, David Beckham. PIC: Online

Beyond the heat and excitement, there is a dark side to sexting…

According to a survey by Cosmo.girl in 2008, 20% of teens (13-19) and 33% of young adults (20-26) have sent nude or semi-nude photographs of themselves. Sexy images often land up on the Internet after a heated dispute. Be prepared to gamble with your dignity and reputation.

As you keep these not so appealing facts in mind, go ahead and sing along the concluding words to Kylie’s song in front of the mirror:

All the lovers that have gone before, they don’t compare to you…

As your content heart beats to the music, it’s clear you don’t need to find your potential reflection in that ocean of persuasion after all. For, after all that hot conversation and attraction you have mastered, how can that lover ever compare to you?

TURN ONs:

“Hi, are you still awake? I wanna explore some of your dreams…”
“Are you wearing what I think you are? I’m only wearing that fragrance you love.”
“I need to meet you right now. Bring any hot thought.”
“What’s your wildest fantasy? I wanna see if it matches mine…”
“I can’t stop thinking about the way you tasted earlier.”
“Don’t miss me yet. I’ve got so much more on the menu.”
“I need to touch you slightly longer next time.”
“I’m not quite sure what made you so ‘happy’ last time. Care to remind me?”
“I miss your fingers dancing on my tummy.”
“Next time, just close your eyes and enjoy.”

iSeeYOU: Is it really for his/ her eyes only... Mmmm..... PIC: Online

The other woman

WHO IS SHE? Pic: online

VANESSA SMEETS

You’ve been dating Jeremy for nine months. He’s kind and caring. He sleeps over at your place every second weekend. He even cleans your dishes. When he runs his fingers through your hair as you kiss or serves you breakfast in bed, nothing else matters.

Yip, he seems perfect. But, somehow, you just don’t trust him. He hides his phone when you’re around. It’s almost always on silent. He often comes home late or tells you he’ll call you back. If you do call, he’s often cold or treats you like an acquaintance rather than a lover.

You start making excuses. He’s speaking to me like that because he’s busy or around his colleagues. He can’t come this weekend because his mother is sick again. You haven’t met his parents yet, because they live far away. Wow, another expensive gift to say sorry.

You love him and brush it off. This too shall pass. But, things become more worrying when you decide to surprise him one weekend. He isn’t home. His door his locked and the spare key he gave you doesn’t work. You look through the kitchen window. The dishes are neatly packed away. There are no breadcrumbs or spilt milk. He obviously hasn’t lived there in weeks.

He calls you that evening. As much as you want to answer and confront him, you decide not to. You let it ring over and over again. Your emotions are all over the place. Well, he has an obsession with clean dishes, so maybe that’s why they were neatly packed away.

Are you... Is she... Is he...? Pic: online

“Hi Jeremy,” you say after the third missed call.

“Jeremy? Since when do you call me by my name? What happened to ‘sweetheart’?” he asks, worried, “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah…yeah,” you say, softly, “How was your weekend?”

“Fine. Dan and I went on an impulsive fishing trip.”

Your heart speeds up. He wasn’t home after all.

The next time you see each other, you subconsciously begin to question his every action and word. He kisses you briskly on the cheek, not softly on the lips as he used to. He doesn’t run his fingers through your hair when you kiss anymore. All the books you’ve read have stated the obvious: he’s cheating on you.

“Jeremy…” you say as he takes you out for lunch at your favourite restaurant. You’re not sure how to start the rest of the sentence: “Am I… Are you… Is she…”

What if he’s not? What if it’s all in your imagination?

His phone rings. He has to leave. He doesn’t call or even send an sms that night. The worrying has now turned to paranoia. It eats you up inside. You don’t want to accuse him falsely. It may be your fault, you decide. Out of the six guys you’ve dated before him, four cheated on you and the other two cheated on you after you accused them falsely. If he isn’t cheating, will he start cheating now that I’ve asked?

That night, he surprises you with flowers. He looks exhausted and asks for a massage. He’s just been fired from his job. As he lies passed out on your bed after making love, you spot his phone lying on the floor next to his pants. It’s your chance to see the truth for yourself. A part of you knows it’s completely unethical. What is a relationship without trust?

You take the phone to the bathroom. You look through the messages first. They’re just from you, Dan and his mother. Relief. You scroll down to one week back, then two weeks back, till the weekend of the ‘fishing trip.’

The message from Dan is strange: “Hey J! I know we decided to go fishing later, but I completely forgot I have to hand in a business proposal tomorrow! Sorry dude!”

Oh my, he’s lied. Where was he that weekend? The rest of the phone is clean. Oddly clean. Even the phone register has been wiped clean. You look through the photos now. There are beautiful photos of sunsets, cocktails and bikini models, all his favourite things.

You place the phone exactly where it was. You lie next to him and the tears slowly pour out from your eyes. His hands reach for your waist.

“Why did you have to go and do that?” he asks softly, his lips pressed against your ear.

You don’t know what to say. You turn around to look at him. His eyes are glistening.

“I love you and you don’t trust me?”

“I’m sorry… You’re just different. You talk to me weird. Your mother comes first. You see me less and less and you go on non-existent fishing trips!”

“Slow down!” he shouts back, “I talk to you weird because it wasn’t going well at work. The boss complained I was taking your calls too much. I love hearing your voice. It’s what kept me going, so I talked to you differently so he wouldn’t suspect it was my girlfriend. My mother is sick. She raised me alone and I’m petrified of losing her! I see you less because you don’t run your fingers through my hair when we kiss anymore either. I stopped doing it too, because I thought you were getting bored of me. I needed you to touch me like before.”

He pauses to catch his breath: “I did go on that fishing trip! Dan cancelled, so I went alone. If I told you I went alone, you wouldn’t have believed me.”

Your heart aches now with guilt. The other woman ruining your relationship is you… The jealous, needy, emotional you who can’t trust men. You almost lost the one who could be trusted, because you were too afraid to ask the right questions.

 

Ask yourself:

• Do you question everything he says or does?
• Are you suspicious when he compliments you or buys you an expensive gift?
• Do you check his Facebook profile, emails or phone?
• Are you blaming the “past you” for your current paranoia?

If you answered “yes” to two or more questions, you have serious trust issues and need to deal with them as quickly as possible.

Some tips:

• Analyse your past first. Who hurt you and how have you dealt with it?
• Give yourselves a break. If you start assuming he’s cheating, it’s often because the relationship has become monotonous.
• Have faith in him and yourself. You can’t sustain a relationship on half-truths or empty suspicions.