Playing a Player: The Big Bad Wolf

VANESSA SMEETS

 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Beneath the exterior of Mr Nice Guy, there's the beast who is able to steal your heart and eat your dreams. The band Duck Sauce has opened up a whole new debate: What if this beast is woman, not man? PIC: Online/ Wolf-man movie

The new Duck Sauce song “Big Bad Wolf” is bringing the notion of ‘player’ to a whole new level: that it can apply both to men and women.

The video is 18-rated for explicitly showing men on the prowl, hunting for hot girls. After finding the chosen targets in a bar, the ‘leader of the pack’ unzips his pants and you are horrified to find a head in the place of his “package.” The second guy follows suit and their heads howl in unison towards the ladies. They take them home and, shockingly, the women also have heads instead of their ‘delicate areas.’

Ah, the bitter-sweet wolf-whistle. Some girls thrive on its power to make you feel sexy, others hate it for demeaning women as pieces of meat. For many girls, the video shows the disturbing truth of being confronted by sex every day. You cannot wear cleavage, a short skirt or red lipstick without being stared at constantly. But, the video also shows another interesting dynamic: women who think more like men about sex. The girls in the video are just as keen to partake in making out and sleeping with the lustful heads.

But, is this the effect guys anticipate? A guy friend once told me:

“Girls don’t dress that way (short skirts, red lipstick) for guys. They wear that for each other. It’s a constant competition of who is hotter and who can keep your attention for longer.”

MIND GAMES: Are men and women thinking more and more alike? The new song "Big Bad Wolf" argues yes. PIC: Online

What the other guys say:

“Dressing sexy may attract me. But personality is what keeps me.”

“Girls are thinking more like men. It’s all about: ‘I am hot. I need sex.’ While the men are thinking: Damn! My heart will be broken again.”

“The more skin I see, the more I lack respect. Come on, leave something to the imagination!”

“Girls must stop thinking I want to talk dirty constantly. Sometimes ‘How was your day?’ will just be as meaningful. Knowing you care about me is a massive turn on all on its own.”

“She broke up with me when I told her I needed a break from all the sex. Yeah, it hurts at times down there! She didn’t believe me, thought I had someone on the side…”

“I can’t take it when I’m in a club enjoying the music and some random girl rubs herself against my crotch. I’ve been slapped for not reacting. Sometimes I just wanna listen to the music!”
“I think Cosmo and programmes like Sex and the City are breeding the man-eater generation. She wants sex with Mr Right Now, not Mr Right.”

“I’m scared of those girls who plaster themselves in make-up and expect you to take them home. I just want the real deal, stop trying to give me America’s Next Top Model wannabe.”

“Women are the hunters these days, but I still wanna do the chasing. There’s no fun in it being the other way around. I’ll lose interest too quickly.”

“Girls these days keep asking me if I’m a T ‘n T (Tits or Toosh/ Ass) guy. They are horrified to find I’m a smile or eyes kind of guy. Those attributes keep me dreaming…”

The better to smell you with

This miscommunication between men and women may have been caused by the girl’s unfortunate meeting with “the Big Bad Wolf,” once upon a time. This is the guy who’s been emotionally present in a girl’s life for a few weeks, months or even years. He listens to her problems, comforts her with the right words and NEVER makes any comments on her physique.

She comes to believe that he is neutral; that, unlike other guys, he really cares about her. Indeed, he does. It boosts his ego to know how powerful he is to her. She makes the fatal mistake of idolising him.

MOB HYSTERIA: Are men or women more dangerous when they hunt in packs? Who does the chasing, after all? PIC: Online

The better to see you with

This was the case for Michelle. For two and a half years, she dated such a man. At first, their relationship was based on duty and role-play.

She had to clean his flat, massage him and give up her friends to make time for him. Slowly, their relationship transitioned into something romantic, only he would control her by never kissing her on the lips. He only kissed her when she was “well behaved” i.e. when she did exactly as she was told.

She didn’t realise she was just another girl and just another trophy. He never openly flirted with anyone, but his charm kept his popularity intact. She continued to believe they were a happy couple, when in fact it was the most torturous emotional prison. She soon lost her friends, identity and almost her life. After their twentieth break-up , she tried to commit suicide.

TRUE LOVE: Little girls are led to believe that true love can break any spell and Prince Charming will one day magically appear. PIC: Online/ Beauty and The Beast Disney movie

The better to eat you with

The Big Bad Wolf comes in various forms:

• Mr Nice Guy: He listens diligently and has the kindest eyes. He also writes to you regularly. You come to believe he truly cares about you. But, one night, you spot him kissing someone else. He casually explains you guys were just friends anyway. You fall for those kind eyes again… until you see him kissing yet another girl the next week and the next.
• Sweet Talker: He’s full of amazing compliments (mostly about your intelligence/ ambition/ ideals) and takes you for midnight rides in his Merc or BMW. You really believe you are special to him. One night, he kisses you passionately, then asks for your best friend’s number the next time you meet up.
• Adonis: You meet him at gym. A few months later, he becomes your Personal Trainer after casual talks outside. One night, he asks you out for a glass of wine and takes you back to his place instead. He removes his shirt and casually says: “You can look, but don’t touch: I’ve been in a relationship for five years. But, G*d, you smell good…”
• Prince Charming: He’s the geeky guy at work that helped fix your car, your computer and your bad back. What talented fingers! One night, you invite him out to thank him. He shows up with his boyfriend. Arghhh….
• Night Knight: He’s your ex-flame who calls you up each time he’s in town. Each time you tell him no, he ends up sending you something sentimental: the clip of the first song you danced to, a bottle of the perfume you wore when you first met. His memory is excellent, but luckily so is yours…

Happily Divorced?

VANESSA SMEETS

 

TORN APART: Divorce continues to have repercussions on children, even in adulthood. PIC: online

Emma was just eight years old when she realised her parents’ marriage had ended.
At first, it was through subtle signs: constant arguing over new toys, the silent treatment, lack of time and increasing lack of temper. She even found herself counting the number of times they would fight a day: once, twice or at every meal. The last sign hurt the deepest: she placed their hands together at church and they pulled them apart.

From an early age, she had realised it wasn’t an easy marriage. She sometimes felt like her birth and the birth of her brother had been ways for them to stay together.
Little did she know her 8^th birthday would remain the most significant birthday of her life:

“It was the happiest day of my life. Mom and Dad had gone out of their way to make me happy. Maybe they knew it would be my last birthday with both of them present.”

GAME OVER: Children often find themselves as the pawns in their parents' failed marriage. GRAPHIC: Vanessa Smeets

All of her friends from school were invited to the first pool party of the year. It was finally spring in South Africa! Her dad looked after everyone swimming, while her mom made sure everyone had enough fun games in the garden: playing catchers, throwing each other with flour and eating a lot of cake.

Six months later, Emma was in a new house.

“When is Daddy joining us?”
“He’s not coming, sweetheart. We’re now divorced.”
“Divorced? What’s that?”

Divorce: she had heard about it at school: Teacher Sarah can’t come to school. She got divorced.
It sounded like a horrid contagious disease.

“Mommy, is it a disease? Are you sick?”
“No, not really. The marriage is sick. It’s when a marriage doesn’t work anymore.”
“If it’s broken, it can always be fixed.”

“No, darling. This time we can’t fix it. It’s when two people who once loved each other go their separate ways.”

Loved. Separate. The words spun around in her head.
“You and Daddy don’t love each other anymore?”
“It’s complicated. We still love you and your brother. That will never change. We are doing this because we love you both.”

For a child, this was extremely hard to comprehend. How could taking away the love between two parents be love in the end?
It took years for Emma to understand. She asked her father about it. For the first time in her life, she saw tears in his eyes:

“It’s complicated. You’ll understand when you’re older.”

KIDREAM: Children often believe their parents will get back together, no matter the circumstances. GRAPHIC: Vanessa Smeets

“DON’T DO THIS TO ME!” she screamed in her head, but didn’t dare tell him.

Those words haunted her for the next few years. It hurt that her parents saw her too little to understand. She was old enough to understand the silence was painful and that she and her sibling were caught somewhere in between a silent war.
They never really spoke of how it fell apart, so in her mind Emma believed it was her fault:
Maybe I should have never kept that dog that made Daddy so angry.
Maybe if I had been a top swimmer like he wanted me to be, he would’ve stayed.
Maybe I shouldn’t have teased my brother so much. Mommy wouldn’t have had to protect him so much from Dad’s harsh words.
Maybe we shouldn’t have been so spoilt; maybe he would have made more time for us.

It took almost a decade for Emma to stop waiting at the phone or door-step for her dad’s visit, or to stop visiting her old house which was only two blocks away. She had to let go of those memories, because they became increasingly bitter.
The shared custody was the worst. She dreaded each weekend in her old house. The walls were cold and the memories were stale. Even running around the garden was a constant struggle of juggling new memories with old ones.
It made it easier when her father moved away. Although she missed him everyday, she could create new memories each time they saw each other.

Ten years later, she asked her father for that chat he promised her years ago. She slowly made peace with all of it and realised it was indeed love in the end. Although it took years for her parents to make peace, it finally happened. Being friends was more loving than a tense and uncomfortable marriage. They were there at her 21^st, at her graduation and even when she fell extremely ill.
Emma also finally made peace with the lost little girl inside of her, explaining:

“Two people you love dearly don’t necessarily have to be together. They remain great parents, separately. Once upon a time, they were deeply and passionately in love, but changing lifestyles and conflicting personalities pulled them apart. Not you.”

She continued: “Look at them now, talking and laughing. Those present memories are just as precious. Maybe one day, you and I will be brave enough to love too…again.”

Advice to divorced parents:

• Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
• Tell your child together with your spouse.
• Keep things simple and straight-forward.
• Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
• Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
• Reassure your child that you both still love them and will always be their parents.
• Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the child.
  Source: the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_and_divorce

Through the ages

How children react to divorce depends on their ages:
Infants lack the cognitive development to understand what is happening, but they sense and react to changes in emotions and energy levels of their parents.
Preschool children may fear abandonment and often feel they are the reason for the divorce, by misbehaving in some way.
Preadolescent children have a better understanding of the divorce, but also greater self-awareness of their own pain.
Teens can feel overwhelmed with the stress, anxiousness and loss of parental support in coping with becoming an adult.

WHOSE FAULT IS IT ANYWAY? Graphic: Vanessa Smeets

Divorce Facts:

• Divorce can be either fault-based or no-fault. Fault-based means that you will have to prove your spouse is to blame, through: adultery, abuse or addiction. No-fault means that no one is to blame, claiming “irreconcilable differences.”
• Couples who live together before getting married are more likely to divorce.
• Children living with only one parent are more likely to suffer from poor health.
• Divorced people are more likely to suffer from mental illness, heart disease, cancer, diabetes and other chronic conditions. This is caused in part by the stress and long lasting trauma of divorce and the fact that married couples tend to have better health habits and thus live a cleaner and healthier lifestyle. Source: http://www.divorceadviceformentoday.com/divorce-facts

Playing Russian Roulette

VANESSA SMEETS

“Anyone who cannot cope with life while he is alive needs one hand to ward off a little despair over his fate…but with his other hand he can jot down what he sees among the ruins, for he sees different and more things than the others; after all, he is dead in his own lifetime and the real survivor.” – Franz Kafka

Ever gambled with the idea of suicide? It’s like playing Russian Roulette: the one idea glares at you from the inside of a barrel, ready to be cocked at any second.
To be or not to be: that is the haunting question… It’s a fact that humans all react differently to stress: some freak out, some cry, some get angry and some get increasingly depressed. With the challenges of varsity-life forever increasing – keeping up your good marks, getting your assignments done on time, balancing one’s social life and academic life, fitting in with the crowd and dealing with the making and breaking of intimate relationships, it’s no wonder that suicide is on the increase amongst students.

LAST WORDS: Only 15% of people who've committed suicide leave suicide notes. PIC: Online

Facts about suicide:

• Three times as many men kill themselves as women.
• Three times as many women as men attempt to kill themselves but do not die.
• Suicide is especially frequent amongst psychiatrists, physicians, lawyers and psychologists.
• No other kind of death leaves friends and family with such long-lasting feelings of distress, shame, guilt, puzzlement and disturbance.
• Men usually choose to hang or shoot themselves. Women are more likely to use sleeping pills.
• Suicide ranks second as cause of death amongst varsity students, after car accidents.
• Many more students commit suicide than their peers who do not attend class.
• Hungary and Japan have the highest rates of suicide in the world.

According to Mintz (1968), motivations for suicide may vary: aggression turned inward, efforts to force love from others, efforts to make amends for past mistakes, sexual attraction to members of one’s own sex, the desire for re-incarnation, the desire to rejoin a loved one, the desire to escape from stress, deformity, pain, or emotional vacuum.

Freud agreed with Mintz’s theory on “aggression turned inward” as the most common cause of suicide. He claims:

“When a person loses someone whom he or she ambivalently loved and hated, and introjects that person, aggression is directed inward. If these feelings are strong and murderous enough, the person will commit suicide.”

However, many other scholars have disagreed with Freud, claiming that the majority of suicide notes express affection and gratitude, not hostility. Yet, only 15% of people (statistic of the United States) leave suicide notes.

27 Curse: Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain are just a few musical artists who committed suicide around the age of 27. PIC: Online

According to Durkheim (1897), there are three types of suicide:

Egoistic suicide: when a person has too few ties to society and the community. These people feel alienated from others and cannot function adaptively as social beings.
Altruistic suicide: the opposite of above, is a response to societal demands, where self-sacrifice is seen as an honourable act amongst certain cultures. Examples include freedom fighters in the old South Africa, the hara-kiri of the Japanese and modern-day suicide bombers.
Anomic suicide: when there is a sudden change in someone’s personal relations. public humiliation.
During the 1970s, various tests were done around the world to see how suicide could be controlled. It was found that depression was not as much a cause as hopelessness for one to take his/ her own life. Many genuinely suicidal people believed that nothing would get better in their lives at that present time. Suicidal people were also found to be haunted by a sense of physical disequilibrium, in that they couldn’t control things around them. Such people also had problems in challenging their energy, were more rigid in their approach to problems and less flexible in their thinking.

“Like one who keeps afloat on a shipwreck by climbing to the top of a mast that is already crumbling… from there he has a chance to give a signal leading to his rescue.” – Walter Benjamin (1931)

PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE: A lack of Serotonin (a neurotransmitter involved with 'happy feelings') may cause one to feel depressed and suicidal. PIC: Courtesy Medical Look (online)

How to get rid of suicidal thoughts:

• Stay in contact with your friends and family. Tell them what you are feeling: a problem shared is a problem halved.
• Avoid being alone at all costs.
• Keep active – exercise releases endorphins which make one feel happy.
• Keep busy – watch comedies on TV, listen to uplifting music, go out with friends.
• Genuinely believe you are strong enough – that this too shall pass.
• Avoid negative or pessimistic people in your turmoil – they only pull you down.
• Appreciate and reward yourself by participating in new social groups, charity work or team sport.
• Find a sense of belonging by participating in a religious group who practises your needs and beliefs.
• Join the gym with a reliable friend – this will motivate you to go.
• Contact your campus psychologist (normally free) to talk to if no one else is available.

Important telephone numbers (in South Africa):

The Depression and Anxiety Support Group: (011) 783 1474
FAMSA (for trauma debriefing): (011) 788 4784/5 or (012) 460 0733

Sources:

Davidson, G.C. & Neale, J.M. 1982. Abnormal Psychology: an experimental clinical approach. New York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

The Brutal Truth: Men versus Women

VANESSA SMEETS

BATTLE OF THE SEXES: Two completely different species? No, two completely different ways of thinking... PIC: online

There’s nothing like the muse of personal experience to inspire. This is what men say and what they really mean…

I think you’re special, but… >> You’re just not the one.

You’re so beautiful and intelligent, yet… >> I had my fun, it’s time to let go.

Look, it happened just once… >> It may just happen again.

Call me later when you’ve settled down. >> You’re annoying me.

I can’t see you this week or the next. >> I’m just not that into you.

I’ll call you sometime. >> If I remember your name, I’ll call you.

Why are you wearing that? >> It makes you look fat.

Your friend is cool. >> I think she’s hot.

Who’s your friend? >> Can I get her number?

Let’s be friends. >> Let’s pray you don’t take out some vicious revenge plot out on me!

Look, the sex was fun. >> That’s all it was to me.

I don’t know where this is going… >> We’re over. Whatever it was.

It’s not you, it’s me. >> It is you. I just don’t dig you that much…

You got to move on. >> Leave. Right now.

I don’t know what to say. >> Stop asking! I have really no idea what you want me to tell you.

Why are you upset? >> Oh gosh, here we go for another two hours…

I’m tired. >> Please stop talking to me.

Sorry, I only saw your message/ phone-call now. >> You’re not that important to me.

Stop calling me. >> Stop calling…. For good.

Broken wings and puppet strings

VANESSA SMEETS

QUIET PAIN: Domestic violence comes in three forms, emotional, physical and sexual. PIC: online

MEETING THE MONSTER

Jane* doesn’t really remember the first time she was struck by a man. She must have just been three years old when her dad hit her for the first time, for having her elbows on the table while eating.

As she grew up, she was attracted to men with short tempers. They fascinated her. At first, watching them shout at car-guards or beggars was entertaining. But then, it became frightening.
When she and her first love, Dylan, went clubbing one night, she realized she was in love with a monster. She told Dylan about the cleaner who had taken cash out of her bag while they were dancing. His piercing blue eyes turned red with anger. He almost beat the cleaner to a pulp, when he was pulled off by a bouncer.

Jane can’t talk at first when I ask her how it ended. She fidgets with the rims of her skirt.

“I told him I was pregnant. That’s when I saw hatred in his eyes. He stuffed the morning-after pill into my mouth. No water. Just his dry fingers reaching as far as possible into my throat. I bit him then and he slapped me across the face.”

That night, Dylan took her out for dinner. He was completely different. He treated her perfectly, paid her compliments and placed a beautiful necklace around her neck.

DECEPTION

It wasn’t the first time he had struck her for “inappropriate behaviour.” Four months into their dating, she went through his computer and found a list of girls he had slept with. There was a name after hers.

“I tried to hide it for two weeks, but the pain ate me up. I confronted him. At first, he pretended not to know what I was talking about. But then, I asked about each one, one by one. His voice changed. He became like a little boy filled with guilt. He hit me for invading his privacy. Then he apologised and even shed a few tears. I fell deeper for him then.”

The pattern of falling deeper for him the more he failed her continued for two and a half years. She stopped seeing her friends and stopped going to church.

PUPPET MASTER

She became his puppet. He told her how to dress, speak and act and she listened diligently.
“In a sick way, by losing my identity, I thought I was growing closer to him. He was untouchable. He was the most popular guy in our group and I, suddenly, was good enough to be his queen.”

SOLE SOUL: Many abused women feel completely alone and embarrassed to talk about what they are going through. PIC: online

Her hands tremble now as I ask her about the night that changed her life.
“His mother was visiting from overseas. She prepared him and his brother supper, but they never thanked her or showed any affection. I caught her crying quietly and told her: ‘Don’t worry. They love you.’
He was furious: ‘Those are forbidden words in my family! Don’t you ever intervene! You have no business telling her that!’

It was so absurd. He had never spoken to me in that way. He locked me outside on his balcony for two hours. I cried. I screamed. To no avail. After two hours in the cold, he opened the door and yelled: ‘Are you sorry yet?’

‘Sorry for what?’ I whimpered back. His hands tightened around my wrists, which he now placed behind my back. ‘Why don’t you jump?’ he said, while laughing. His hands caressed my neck and back, slowly pushing me to the edge. Believe me, I was tempted to do it. I looked at my life and realized I had nothing left to give.”

RIRI: Domestic violence was brought to light again in 2009, when Pop singer Rihanna was assaulted by her boyfriend Chris Brown. PIC: online

A few months later, Jane was in a mental institution, diagnosed with Psychosis. Her brain couldn’t take any more abuse. Dylan came to visit her regularly with chocolates or flowers.
“You’re not very strong are you?” he hissed one night, as she lay sobbing on his chest. “I can’t be with someone who can’t get up again. Get up! I dare you!”

Jane was on so much medication that she couldn’t tell what was real or not anymore. She saw worms coming out of her veins. She saw animal faces upon everyone that visited her. She called Dylan to share her fears, but he stopped picking up. At times, he would just breathe into the phone.

TEMPTATION: Jane swallowed a cocktail mix of 22 pills on her 22nd birthday, for every year of what her boyfriend called her of "being a burden." PIC: Online

THE FINAL BLOW

Jane became more and more lost in her despair. She finally decided to commit suicide. She swallowed 22 pills on her 22^nd birthday, for every year that she thought she was a burden.
Just in time, the doctors pumped her stomach. The white froth dried up around her lips was the only evidence she had gone to such desperate measures.
She never heard from Dylan again, until Valentine’s Day four months later.

“I’m sorry. I need you. I want you back.”

Instead of falling for the voice she had become so accustomed to, she heard him as the conniving man her soul had once feared, but was now ready to fight. She was finally free. Detectives tried to find him, but he had already left the country. After doing various investigations, they found out that a few of Dylan’s ex-girlfriends were in mental institutions and one had already committed suicide.

Jane stutters as she continues:

“I was lucky enough to make it out in time. Somehow, I got my life back on track. He haunted my dreams for a while, but I refuse to give him any more power. I hope he reads this some day. But, people like that don’t have a heart or conscience. I refuse to ever sacrifice mine again.”

*name has been changed

Signs you’re dealing with a Player	Signs you’ve got a Keeper
- he checks your friends out all the time- he calls to say he misses the action- he makes you feel small and inadequate - he buys you expensive gifts - his phone is on voicemail when you call - he talks about himself 24/7 - he speaks about his exes in derogatory terms - he spends time getting to know your body, saying you’re his favourite	- he checks you out all the time- he calls to say he misses your voice- he makes you feel magical and special - he makes you sentimental gifts - he picks up even when he’s busy - he talks about you 24/7 - he speaks about his exes briefly, with respect - he spends time getting to know your favourite things

The EX FACTOR

VANESSA SMEETS

A few weeks ago, a friend called me in tears. The guy she was seeing for the last four months had left her for his ex. She was devastated and hated herself. All the little signs had been there:

• He was still friends with her on Facebook.
• They constantly contacted each other via Skype.
• He hid pics of them in his bed drawer.
• He spoke of her in the present tense
• He acted weird if they bumped into her.
• He refused to remove pics of them together on Facebook, or refused to be tagged in pics with my friend or change their relationship status.

Is it truly over? PIC: online

The pain of seeing the one you’ve come to love and trust with someone from his past is much more hurtful than seeing him with a stranger. You feel utterly betrayed, for in all the time you were dating, his mind and heart were still attached to her. No matter how much time or effort you invested into the relationship, it was all in vain.

The problem is, most girls assume the guy they are with is in love or thinking about his ex constantly, even when he may not be. She may assume he’s comparing the kissing or sex. But male friends admit, they are rather comparing the memories and feelings they encountered than the physical.

Girls assume wrongly, because guys are not as expressive in their feelings and girls are afraid are coming across as clingy. Therefore, they begin a psychological dialogue with themselves of what means what through the little things he says or does.

Guys are expressive in subtle ways, such as he’ll call you her name by accident. He will speak of things they used to do or ask you about your past unexpectedly to ease his mind.

Some girls think by acting more sexy or constantly pleasuring him, he will forget his exes. BIG MISTAKE. A guy is a visual being and this includes his memory.

He may not admit it, but he may see her in everything. He may even use you subconsciously to forget her.

So, how do you cope with the past creeping up on the present?

The truth is, it’s utterly out of your control. You can’t change him or adjust his memories. What you can do is not let it affect you. Say confident. Stay supportive. And, communicate. The honest guy will eventually tell you where you and she stand. But, keep realistic. If he’s attached when you met, for example, are you just the other woman? And, what makes you so sure there won’t be “another woman” in the future?

Ironically, a guy’s exes contributed to who he is today. His vulnerability comes from being hurt. His vanity comes from being praised. His dress sense comes from years of influence.

For most girls, it is too much to be with someone in love with his past and they eventually walk away. But, most will wait until it’s spelt out to them: IT WAS OVER BEFORE IT BEGAN.

Research shows it takes twice as much time to get over someone as the time the couple went out. So, if they went out three years, expect a six-year recovery period. That, or be utterly sure of how it ended and whether it was a clean cut or not. Or, make the best of the time you have together. Don’t nag him, but ask him to be honest. If he can’t, it’s best to walk away with your dignity intact.

Don’t think it depends on who dumped whom.  If they get back together, it probably came from a mutual decision of best partner at a different time.

And, as hard as it is to admit, seeing him happy with her will allow you to move on and find someone who appreciates you for who you really are and what you have to offer, thanks to your own past and exes.

The other woman

WHO IS SHE? Pic: online

VANESSA SMEETS

You’ve been dating Jeremy for nine months. He’s kind and caring. He sleeps over at your place every second weekend. He even cleans your dishes. When he runs his fingers through your hair as you kiss or serves you breakfast in bed, nothing else matters.

Yip, he seems perfect. But, somehow, you just don’t trust him. He hides his phone when you’re around. It’s almost always on silent. He often comes home late or tells you he’ll call you back. If you do call, he’s often cold or treats you like an acquaintance rather than a lover.

You start making excuses. He’s speaking to me like that because he’s busy or around his colleagues. He can’t come this weekend because his mother is sick again. You haven’t met his parents yet, because they live far away. Wow, another expensive gift to say sorry.

You love him and brush it off. This too shall pass. But, things become more worrying when you decide to surprise him one weekend. He isn’t home. His door his locked and the spare key he gave you doesn’t work. You look through the kitchen window. The dishes are neatly packed away. There are no breadcrumbs or spilt milk. He obviously hasn’t lived there in weeks.

He calls you that evening. As much as you want to answer and confront him, you decide not to. You let it ring over and over again. Your emotions are all over the place. Well, he has an obsession with clean dishes, so maybe that’s why they were neatly packed away.

Are you... Is she... Is he...? Pic: online

“Hi Jeremy,” you say after the third missed call.

“Jeremy? Since when do you call me by my name? What happened to ‘sweetheart’?” he asks, worried, “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah…yeah,” you say, softly, “How was your weekend?”

“Fine. Dan and I went on an impulsive fishing trip.”

Your heart speeds up. He wasn’t home after all.

The next time you see each other, you subconsciously begin to question his every action and word. He kisses you briskly on the cheek, not softly on the lips as he used to. He doesn’t run his fingers through your hair when you kiss anymore. All the books you’ve read have stated the obvious: he’s cheating on you.

“Jeremy…” you say as he takes you out for lunch at your favourite restaurant. You’re not sure how to start the rest of the sentence: “Am I… Are you… Is she…”

What if he’s not? What if it’s all in your imagination?

His phone rings. He has to leave. He doesn’t call or even send an sms that night. The worrying has now turned to paranoia. It eats you up inside. You don’t want to accuse him falsely. It may be your fault, you decide. Out of the six guys you’ve dated before him, four cheated on you and the other two cheated on you after you accused them falsely. If he isn’t cheating, will he start cheating now that I’ve asked?

That night, he surprises you with flowers. He looks exhausted and asks for a massage. He’s just been fired from his job. As he lies passed out on your bed after making love, you spot his phone lying on the floor next to his pants. It’s your chance to see the truth for yourself. A part of you knows it’s completely unethical. What is a relationship without trust?

You take the phone to the bathroom. You look through the messages first. They’re just from you, Dan and his mother. Relief. You scroll down to one week back, then two weeks back, till the weekend of the ‘fishing trip.’

The message from Dan is strange: “Hey J! I know we decided to go fishing later, but I completely forgot I have to hand in a business proposal tomorrow! Sorry dude!”

Oh my, he’s lied. Where was he that weekend? The rest of the phone is clean. Oddly clean. Even the phone register has been wiped clean. You look through the photos now. There are beautiful photos of sunsets, cocktails and bikini models, all his favourite things.

You place the phone exactly where it was. You lie next to him and the tears slowly pour out from your eyes. His hands reach for your waist.

“Why did you have to go and do that?” he asks softly, his lips pressed against your ear.

You don’t know what to say. You turn around to look at him. His eyes are glistening.

“I love you and you don’t trust me?”

“I’m sorry… You’re just different. You talk to me weird. Your mother comes first. You see me less and less and you go on non-existent fishing trips!”

“Slow down!” he shouts back, “I talk to you weird because it wasn’t going well at work. The boss complained I was taking your calls too much. I love hearing your voice. It’s what kept me going, so I talked to you differently so he wouldn’t suspect it was my girlfriend. My mother is sick. She raised me alone and I’m petrified of losing her! I see you less because you don’t run your fingers through my hair when we kiss anymore either. I stopped doing it too, because I thought you were getting bored of me. I needed you to touch me like before.”

He pauses to catch his breath: “I did go on that fishing trip! Dan cancelled, so I went alone. If I told you I went alone, you wouldn’t have believed me.”

Your heart aches now with guilt. The other woman ruining your relationship is you… The jealous, needy, emotional you who can’t trust men. You almost lost the one who could be trusted, because you were too afraid to ask the right questions.

 

Ask yourself:

• Do you question everything he says or does?
• Are you suspicious when he compliments you or buys you an expensive gift?
• Do you check his Facebook profile, emails or phone?
• Are you blaming the “past you” for your current paranoia?

If you answered “yes” to two or more questions, you have serious trust issues and need to deal with them as quickly as possible.

Some tips:

• Analyse your past first. Who hurt you and how have you dealt with it?
• Give yourselves a break. If you start assuming he’s cheating, it’s often because the relationship has become monotonous.
• Have faith in him and yourself. You can’t sustain a relationship on half-truths or empty suspicions.

 

 

 

The In-Between

VANESSA SMEETS

How much are you putting into a relationship and how much are you getting out of it? PIC: online

You’ve finally met someone. He’s smart, sophisticated and very good looking. You’re not sure whether to tell your friends. After all, you’ve only bumped into him a couple of times at your favourite coffee shop. The last time was different, he finally approached you and asked for your name.

You stuttered at first. For once, you weren’t paying attention and weren’t observing what he was drinking. He sat down at your table. You spoke about your job, your love for Chai tea and your distaste for politics. He even laughed at your witty remarks. Then, suddenly, he looked at his watch and had to leave.

You expected him to ask for your number, but it didn’t happen. The next day, you wear your favourite dress, expecting him to be there. He doesn’t appear for another week. You smile when you see him. He waves, but nothing more.

Have the roles changed: are women the hunters and men playing hard to get?

You expect him to sit with you, but he walks right past and sits in front of you. So close, that you can smell his cologne. You stop staring and carry on reading. He looks at you and smiles. You catch him in the corner of your eye.

Thirty minutes later, he grabs his briefcase. You have to make a decision: ask for his number or let him walk away. He walks slowly past your table.

“Michael!” you shout out, or whatever his name may be. He stops and looks down. You get up. The dress you chose today is embarrassingly creased, so you stay seated.

“Could I get your number?” you quickly finish.

Out of the blue, he sits down.

“I may have given you the wrong impression last time,” he says, smiling. “I don’t want to give you my number. I’d rather ask for yours… but you kind of ruined that now.”

Your heart beats faster, then slows down to an unhealthy pace. He stands up and leaves. Not even a good bye. So, women should be chased after all, you think.

The next two weeks, he doesn’t appear. The waitress leaves you a note the day you give up hope.

It reads: “I changed jobs and, therefore, coffee shops. I miss seeing your smile and seeing you spill a little of your Chai tea as I walk in. Here’s my number…. I never got the chance to ask you first.”

“Sorry, sweetheart,” the waitress says, worried, “He gave this ten days ago. I completely forgot.”

Your heart beats at an incredible pace. You don’t even have to wait to not seem too eager. The waitress gave you a head start.

That night, you thank him by sms for the note. No reply. As you get out of the shower, the phone rings. It’s him. His voice is so much deeper over the phone. You can’t feel your legs. You put on your sexiest phone voice. He giggles: “Stop that! You’re exciting me!”

You ask when you can see him again. He hesitates. He has to go away on business.

“I’ll call you in a week.”

He does. The next day, he appears at your door with a bunch of roses. At the end of the night, he bends down to kiss you. The smell of his cologne makes you dizzy. His lips approach yours. They’re warm. They taste sweet from the evening’s champagne. His tongue slowly touches yours. It’s electric. His hands move from your face to your neck, to across your waist. The kissing lasts three hours.

He smses you for the rest of the night. Suddenly, his shyness disappears. The messages are quite explicit. This carries on for two weeks as he’s off on business again.

You ask him if you can change your Facebook relationship status to “in a relationship.” He hesitates then briskly says, “No!”

It surprises you. He explains that’s not the way he intended in making it official. Gosh, you’ve blown it again. You didn’t let him chase you long enough. The in between is the hardest part of any relationship. As exciting as it is to be touched, kissed and mentally explored, it can get quite frustrating. For most women, it means days of sleepless nights waiting for him to call or ask you out again.

Time to rethink your flirting strategy. PIC: online

Some tips:

• Spend your time on other things.
• Remember who you were before you met him.
• Don’t brag about it to your friends. It may not work out.
• Write in a book what you would like to say to him, but know may scare him off.
• Don’t start acting clingy or jealous.
• Wait for him to do the asking and enjoy this in between. It’s the time you can still be your sexy self, with the knowledge someone does find you extremely attractive.
• Send him naughty smses, but don’t turn into a “sexting slut.” It may give him the impression that’s all your worth.
• Have fun every time you do get to see him. He will sleep, dreaming about you.