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VANESSA SMEETS
There are two types of break-ups: the awkward “Let’s still be friends on Facebook” kind or the “Get the hell out of my life” kind. Personally, I prefer the latter. Yes, yes, there are very slight exceptions.
But why still be ‘friends’ with someone who probably made you cry and stress twice as much as made you laugh, who broke down your self-esteem and who made you believe in inflated promises?
Yes, it’s fascinating to be able to ‘spy’ on them virtually, but what for? Is it to remind you that, yes, life does indeed go on; other girls or guys will come and go, just as you did. Is it perhaps to see how their receding hairline has now transformed into complete baldness or see that they have put on 20 kilograms in the last six months? I doubt it, as no sane person puts up such unflattering pictures.
Exactly that: A POINT!
As my dad says: “No pain, no gain.”
Each break-up toughens your mental sword. You suddenly realize you are human and highly emotional, either through grief, anger or disappointment.
You also realize you are more equipped now than ever before: you are great at flirting, at making your friends laugh or at enjoying life like never before.
An incompatible person will always make you feel just that: INCOMPATIBLE. He/ She will make you believe you absolutely need to stop smoking, need to go to gym more or not spend as much time with your friends. Once you do as requested, he/ she will eventually get bored with you and find a new ‘flaw’ to focus on.
However, the compatible person will take the ‘flaws’ you have and be fascinated by them. The time with your friends will transform into endless conversations about what makes each friend special. The compatible person will look you in the eye and make you feel respected, loved and cherished. Yes, as corny as that.
Ironically, there is a lot to fear when this happens:
You suddenly fear you are not that ideal.
You suddenly fear you have to prove yourself.
You suddenly fear his/ her genuine love for you is a hoax.
This comes from failing in other relationships, where you thought of yourself as just another experiment.
Here, though, you should transform from experiment to experience: see your true worth, embrace it and immerse your partner in it too. True bliss comes from peace of mind and sure belief in one’s choices and one’s new relationship…
From old to new:VANESSA SMEETS
QUIET PAIN: Domestic violence comes in three forms, emotional, physical and sexual. PIC: online
MEETING THE MONSTER
Jane* doesn’t really remember the first time she was struck by a man. She must have just been three years old when her dad hit her for the first time, for having her elbows on the table while eating.
As she grew up, she was attracted to men with short tempers. They fascinated her. At first, watching them shout at car-guards or beggars was entertaining. But then, it became frightening.
When she and her first love, Dylan, went clubbing one night, she realized she was in love with a monster. She told Dylan about the cleaner who had taken cash out of her bag while they were dancing. His piercing blue eyes turned red with anger. He almost beat the cleaner to a pulp, when he was pulled off by a bouncer.
Jane can’t talk at first when I ask her how it ended. She fidgets with the rims of her skirt.
“I told him I was pregnant. That’s when I saw hatred in his eyes. He stuffed the morning-after pill into my mouth. No water. Just his dry fingers reaching as far as possible into my throat. I bit him then and he slapped me across the face.”
That night, Dylan took her out for dinner. He was completely different. He treated her perfectly, paid her compliments and placed a beautiful necklace around her neck.
DECEPTION
It wasn’t the first time he had struck her for “inappropriate behaviour.” Four months into their dating, she went through his computer and found a list of girls he had slept with. There was a name after hers.
“I tried to hide it for two weeks, but the pain ate me up. I confronted him. At first, he pretended not to know what I was talking about. But then, I asked about each one, one by one. His voice changed. He became like a little boy filled with guilt. He hit me for invading his privacy. Then he apologised and even shed a few tears. I fell deeper for him then.”
The pattern of falling deeper for him the more he failed her continued for two and a half years. She stopped seeing her friends and stopped going to church.
PUPPET MASTER
She became his puppet. He told her how to dress, speak and act and she listened diligently.
“In a sick way, by losing my identity, I thought I was growing closer to him. He was untouchable. He was the most popular guy in our group and I, suddenly, was good enough to be his queen.”
SOLE SOUL: Many abused women feel completely alone and embarrassed to talk about what they are going through. PIC: online
Her hands tremble now as I ask her about the night that changed her life.
“His mother was visiting from overseas. She prepared him and his brother supper, but they never thanked her or showed any affection. I caught her crying quietly and told her: ‘Don’t worry. They love you.’
He was furious: ‘Those are forbidden words in my family! Don’t you ever intervene! You have no business telling her that!’
It was so absurd. He had never spoken to me in that way. He locked me outside on his balcony for two hours. I cried. I screamed. To no avail. After two hours in the cold, he opened the door and yelled: ‘Are you sorry yet?’
‘Sorry for what?’ I whimpered back. His hands tightened around my wrists, which he now placed behind my back. ‘Why don’t you jump?’ he said, while laughing. His hands caressed my neck and back, slowly pushing me to the edge. Believe me, I was tempted to do it. I looked at my life and realized I had nothing left to give.”
RIRI: Domestic violence was brought to light again in 2009, when Pop singer Rihanna was assaulted by her boyfriend Chris Brown. PIC: online
A few months later, Jane was in a mental institution, diagnosed with Psychosis. Her brain couldn’t take any more abuse. Dylan came to visit her regularly with chocolates or flowers.
“You’re not very strong are you?” he hissed one night, as she lay sobbing on his chest. “I can’t be with someone who can’t get up again. Get up! I dare you!”
Jane was on so much medication that she couldn’t tell what was real or not anymore. She saw worms coming out of her veins. She saw animal faces upon everyone that visited her. She called Dylan to share her fears, but he stopped picking up. At times, he would just breathe into the phone.
TEMPTATION: Jane swallowed a cocktail mix of 22 pills on her 22nd birthday, for every year of what her boyfriend called her of "being a burden." PIC: Online
THE FINAL BLOW
Jane became more and more lost in her despair. She finally decided to commit suicide. She swallowed 22 pills on her 22nd birthday, for every year that she thought she was a burden.
Just in time, the doctors pumped her stomach. The white froth dried up around her lips was the only evidence she had gone to such desperate measures.
She never heard from Dylan again, until Valentine’s Day four months later.
“I’m sorry. I need you. I want you back.”
Instead of falling for the voice she had become so accustomed to, she heard him as the conniving man her soul had once feared, but was now ready to fight. She was finally free. Detectives tried to find him, but he had already left the country. After doing various investigations, they found out that a few of Dylan’s ex-girlfriends were in mental institutions and one had already committed suicide.
Jane stutters as she continues:
“I was lucky enough to make it out in time. Somehow, I got my life back on track. He haunted my dreams for a while, but I refuse to give him any more power. I hope he reads this some day. But, people like that don’t have a heart or conscience. I refuse to ever sacrifice mine again.”
*name has been changed
| Signs you’re dealing with a Player | Signs you’ve got a Keeper |
| - he checks your friends out all the time- he calls to say he misses the action- he makes you feel small and inadequate
- he buys you expensive gifts - his phone is on voicemail when you call - he talks about himself 24/7 - he speaks about his exes in derogatory terms - he spends time getting to know your body, saying you’re his favourite |
- he checks you out all the time- he calls to say he misses your voice- he makes you feel magical and special
- he makes you sentimental gifts - he picks up even when he’s busy - he talks about you 24/7 - he speaks about his exes briefly, with respect - he spends time getting to know your favourite things |
VANESSA SMEETS
I keep on hearing Rihanna‘s “Only Girl” on the radio…
“Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world
Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world
Like I’m the only one that’s in command…”
Still inclined to believe in fairytales and living happily ever after, this is a dream for most girls. We dream about meeting someone on a plane with the same hopes and aspirations, who’ll set our soul aflight. We fantasize about being the most beautiful girl at the party. We cherish compliments and over-analyze situations in which we didn’t get any.
DESIRE: Our youngest dreams help built our greatest expectations. PIC: online
Little Lady
As little girls, our self-esteem depended on the words and actions of our parents. If your parents had a very passionate relationship and showed public affection, you tend to have a more outgoing personality and tend to be a die-hard hopeless romantic. You may, however, feel very frustrated if you don’t find someone as passionate as you.
If your parents were more reserved and hardly paid you compliments, you may make up for it by being overly flirtatious and in need of constant attention.
If your father was absent for most of your youth, you may have had more intense or abusive relationships, often with older men.
If you were Daddy’s little girl, you tend to comfortable with being single or will end up marrying your childhood sweetheart, for he reflects the inner child you still embrace.
FALLING FAST: Do flings really end up into things? PIC: online
Fling into thing
In high school, our Guidance teacher preached:
“Girls give sex for love, boys give love for sex.”
I was only 15, so it didn’t mean much at the time. But the words stuck…
Take Jessica. Looking back on her past relationships, she realized most of them were flings that had turned into things. This may have come from her parents’ painful and unexpected divorce, where she attached herself to unrealistic and heart-wrenching relationships. The guys she dated often had a lot of baggage, which made her want to help them. But the heavier the baggage, the more draining it was on her soul and the emptier she felt after each break-up.
The biggest problem with turning a fling into a thing is that your partner may only view you in a physical way, and not yet emotionally. This often leads to a rollercoaster impression of fears, questions and little peace of mind.
You are often thrown into the deep end of giving a lot, with receiving very little in return. Also, if you break up, you have very little chance of remaining friends, as you keep asking yourself: “Did he ever really know me?” The question is: do you even know yourself? Are you the flirtatious vixen that can move on through one-night stands or are you still the vulnerable teen that yearned for the world to accept, let alone understand, her?
CHASING DREAMS: Girls dream of being chased... but often end up chasing the dream. PIC: online
How not to be just another girl:
APPRECIATE YOURSELF: Take time to do the things you enjoy. Take up a new hobbie and meet a diverse group of people. This will break down the wall you’ve built up through distrust and heartache.
SOCIALIZE: Throw the best party in town. Invite your friends and their friends. Have a theme to make it even more memorable. Who doesn’t want to go to a masked ball or dress outrageously for one night? Also, it makes for great Facebook pics.
REPUTATION: You may like the thrill of a one-night stand, but wouldn’t it be awkward to bump into that guy at your regular supermarket or at your niece’s pre-school?
CLOSE THE DOOR: Often women tend to deal with their past by contacting the characters that featured. Weird thing is, the guy you dated then is not the one he is today. You may yearn for that familiar touch or his nickname for you, but he’s probably had a number of women ever since. Have enough dignity to walk away from your past for good and clean up your state of mind…
…Because, in the end, the only girl that knows your heart is the one looking at you from the mirror. She’s in command 
VANESSA SMEETS
POKE POKE POKE: Till there is nothing left... PIC: Online
- you join groups just to get messages in your inbox
- you re-read old mail, print it and stick it in your diary
- you freak out when the friend invites stop coming
- you freak out when you have friend requests pending
- you message people who remove you as a friend, demanding why?
- you have several FB profiles
- you wake up and go to sleep checking for notifications
- you thrive on virtual invites, dreaming about ‘yes, maybe, no’
- all you see is blue and white
- you have more virtual friends than real ones
- you haven’t actually met half your virtual friends
- you check up on ur bff/ bf/ gf’s statuses, photos, comments
- you fight over FB
- you add terms like fml, lmao, btw, lol to every sentence, even when speaking
- you check FB when you gym, have coffee with friends, in the movies
- you read this! Lol! Btw I’m lmao. Fml! Haha!
VANESSA SMEETS
Is your heart strong enough to battle the distance? PIC: online
While watching Drew Barrymore’s quite recent movie Going the distance (yip, about long-distance relationships) on a flight to Europe to see someone special, I realised I was in the same dilemma… As much as you like or love the person, it really is excruciating to know they’re on the other side of the world.
No hugs on a bad day. No telling you “You’re beautiful” with your new dress. No morning kiss. No making love spontaneously on a lunch-break.
And yet, it was the happiest I’d ever been. Those physical things didn’t matter that much anymore. In past relationships, I would quickly get bored of holding hands, going to the movies and the dreaded fighting (inevitable when you’re around each other 24/7). Here, I had the ability to grow and heal as an individual and yet feel attractive, as someone incredible felt (hopefully) the same way about me.
I had friends who from the start against it: “Long distance doesn’t work!” “Guys can’t be faithful!” “Don’t get attached…You’ll get burnt.” “How the hell do you keep each other satisfied?” “You can’t trust someone if you can’t see them.”
It was hard. But, trust was the most important factor. Not necessarily trusting the other person, but trusting myself not to become paranoid or disillusioned. There may be dozens of people close to you that think you’re nuts, but in the long-run you’ve got to ask yourself: Where is this going? Does he/ she want the same things?
In the end, as a wise friend told me, it is ONLY between you and him/ her.
There are over 6 billion people on Earth and, yet, out of the 5000 I had maybe met, this particular person stood out. I wasn’t looking for anyone at the time. I was just enjoying my family and friends.
Missing your other half? With modern technology, over 52 million couples are in long-distance. PIC: online
Modern technology has ensured that millions of people meet online and find the right one through cyber-dating. Some keep it alive through sexting. Others keep the spontaneity going through romantic letters, poems or photos.
When someone means a lot to you, you’ll be surprised what gifts you suddenly possess. I realised I loved writing to him… Beautiful letters. I would write him a poem or something in his mother-tongue and decorate it diligently. Each page (and there were sometimes six of them) took at least two hours to make. He was worth it… And to see his smile on the webcam weeks later with the letter in hand reminded me what it was all for.
Yes, I miss him a lot… If I see something he’d like (like a beautiful sunset), I take a picture and send it via MMS. Thank you, Mark Zuckerberg, for Facebook chat and Skype for making it almost real. I remember him blowing out a candle I was holding on his birthday.
Some tips for those in long-distance:
Check out the poll:
http://whosright.com/poll/can-long-distance-relationships-work
VANESSA SMEETS
A few weeks ago, a friend called me in tears. The guy she was seeing for the last four months had left her for his ex. She was devastated and hated herself. All the little signs had been there:
Is it truly over? PIC: online
The pain of seeing the one you’ve come to love and trust with someone from his past is much more hurtful than seeing him with a stranger. You feel utterly betrayed, for in all the time you were dating, his mind and heart were still attached to her. No matter how much time or effort you invested into the relationship, it was all in vain.
The problem is, most girls assume the guy they are with is in love or thinking about his ex constantly, even when he may not be. She may assume he’s comparing the kissing or sex. But male friends admit, they are rather comparing the memories and feelings they encountered than the physical.
Girls assume wrongly, because guys are not as expressive in their feelings and girls are afraid are coming across as clingy. Therefore, they begin a psychological dialogue with themselves of what means what through the little things he says or does.
Guys are expressive in subtle ways, such as he’ll call you her name by accident. He will speak of things they used to do or ask you about your past unexpectedly to ease his mind.
Some girls think by acting more sexy or constantly pleasuring him, he will forget his exes. BIG MISTAKE. A guy is a visual being and this includes his memory.
He may not admit it, but he may see her in everything. He may even use you subconsciously to forget her.
So, how do you cope with the past creeping up on the present?
The truth is, it’s utterly out of your control. You can’t change him or adjust his memories. What you can do is not let it affect you. Say confident. Stay supportive. And, communicate. The honest guy will eventually tell you where you and she stand. But, keep realistic. If he’s attached when you met, for example, are you just the other woman? And, what makes you so sure there won’t be “another woman” in the future?
Ironically, a guy’s exes contributed to who he is today. His vulnerability comes from being hurt. His vanity comes from being praised. His dress sense comes from years of influence.
For most girls, it is too much to be with someone in love with his past and they eventually walk away. But, most will wait until it’s spelt out to them: IT WAS OVER BEFORE IT BEGAN.
Research shows it takes twice as much time to get over someone as the time the couple went out. So, if they went out three years, expect a six-year recovery period. That, or be utterly sure of how it ended and whether it was a clean cut or not. Or, make the best of the time you have together. Don’t nag him, but ask him to be honest. If he can’t, it’s best to walk away with your dignity intact.
Don’t think it depends on who dumped whom. If they get back together, it probably came from a mutual decision of best partner at a different time.
And, as hard as it is to admit, seeing him happy with her will allow you to move on and find someone who appreciates you for who you really are and what you have to offer, thanks to your own past and exes.
WHO IS SHE? Pic: online
VANESSA SMEETS
You’ve been dating Jeremy for nine months. He’s kind and caring. He sleeps over at your place every second weekend. He even cleans your dishes. When he runs his fingers through your hair as you kiss or serves you breakfast in bed, nothing else matters.
Yip, he seems perfect. But, somehow, you just don’t trust him. He hides his phone when you’re around. It’s almost always on silent. He often comes home late or tells you he’ll call you back. If you do call, he’s often cold or treats you like an acquaintance rather than a lover.
You start making excuses. He’s speaking to me like that because he’s busy or around his colleagues. He can’t come this weekend because his mother is sick again. You haven’t met his parents yet, because they live far away. Wow, another expensive gift to say sorry.
You love him and brush it off. This too shall pass. But, things become more worrying when you decide to surprise him one weekend. He isn’t home. His door his locked and the spare key he gave you doesn’t work. You look through the kitchen window. The dishes are neatly packed away. There are no breadcrumbs or spilt milk. He obviously hasn’t lived there in weeks.
He calls you that evening. As much as you want to answer and confront him, you decide not to. You let it ring over and over again. Your emotions are all over the place. Well, he has an obsession with clean dishes, so maybe that’s why they were neatly packed away.
Are you... Is she... Is he...? Pic: online
“Hi Jeremy,” you say after the third missed call.
“Jeremy? Since when do you call me by my name? What happened to ‘sweetheart’?” he asks, worried, “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah…yeah,” you say, softly, “How was your weekend?”
“Fine. Dan and I went on an impulsive fishing trip.”
Your heart speeds up. He wasn’t home after all.
The next time you see each other, you subconsciously begin to question his every action and word. He kisses you briskly on the cheek, not softly on the lips as he used to. He doesn’t run his fingers through your hair when you kiss anymore. All the books you’ve read have stated the obvious: he’s cheating on you.
“Jeremy…” you say as he takes you out for lunch at your favourite restaurant. You’re not sure how to start the rest of the sentence: “Am I… Are you… Is she…”
What if he’s not? What if it’s all in your imagination?
His phone rings. He has to leave. He doesn’t call or even send an sms that night. The worrying has now turned to paranoia. It eats you up inside. You don’t want to accuse him falsely. It may be your fault, you decide. Out of the six guys you’ve dated before him, four cheated on you and the other two cheated on you after you accused them falsely. If he isn’t cheating, will he start cheating now that I’ve asked?
That night, he surprises you with flowers. He looks exhausted and asks for a massage. He’s just been fired from his job. As he lies passed out on your bed after making love, you spot his phone lying on the floor next to his pants. It’s your chance to see the truth for yourself. A part of you knows it’s completely unethical. What is a relationship without trust?
You take the phone to the bathroom. You look through the messages first. They’re just from you, Dan and his mother. Relief. You scroll down to one week back, then two weeks back, till the weekend of the ‘fishing trip.’
The message from Dan is strange: “Hey J! I know we decided to go fishing later, but I completely forgot I have to hand in a business proposal tomorrow! Sorry dude!”
Oh my, he’s lied. Where was he that weekend? The rest of the phone is clean. Oddly clean. Even the phone register has been wiped clean. You look through the photos now. There are beautiful photos of sunsets, cocktails and bikini models, all his favourite things.
You place the phone exactly where it was. You lie next to him and the tears slowly pour out from your eyes. His hands reach for your waist.
“Why did you have to go and do that?” he asks softly, his lips pressed against your ear.
You don’t know what to say. You turn around to look at him. His eyes are glistening.
“I love you and you don’t trust me?”
“I’m sorry… You’re just different. You talk to me weird. Your mother comes first. You see me less and less and you go on non-existent fishing trips!”
“Slow down!” he shouts back, “I talk to you weird because it wasn’t going well at work. The boss complained I was taking your calls too much. I love hearing your voice. It’s what kept me going, so I talked to you differently so he wouldn’t suspect it was my girlfriend. My mother is sick. She raised me alone and I’m petrified of losing her! I see you less because you don’t run your fingers through my hair when we kiss anymore either. I stopped doing it too, because I thought you were getting bored of me. I needed you to touch me like before.”
He pauses to catch his breath: “I did go on that fishing trip! Dan cancelled, so I went alone. If I told you I went alone, you wouldn’t have believed me.”
Your heart aches now with guilt. The other woman ruining your relationship is you… The jealous, needy, emotional you who can’t trust men. You almost lost the one who could be trusted, because you were too afraid to ask the right questions.
Ask yourself:
If you answered “yes” to two or more questions, you have serious trust issues and need to deal with them as quickly as possible.
Some tips:
VANESSA SMEETS
Locals call it the town of oak trees, acorns and squirrels. Visitors will argue it is a real-life painting of coffee shops and antique stores, bustling with neo-hippie students. The experts will tell you it is the wine capital of South Africa, gathering a score of international wine amateurs and connoisseurs. Stellenbosch: a student town that caters for lovers of art, music, wine, theatre and literature.
Or, so they claim… Walking down Bird Street, one of the busiest streets, you realise how intricate this place really is. The local celebrity, Moksie, is singing in front of the petrol station, waving as she sees my camera.
LOVE BITE: Moksie has had a long-lasting effect on Stellenbosch students, with them even setting up a controversial Facebook fanpage for her. PHOTO: Vanessa Smeets
“I’m going to be on the cover of Die Son!” she screams, as she sees two girls in mini skirts approaching. Die Son, according to the Naspers website, is one of the fastest growing newspapers in South Africa. Bewildered, the girls run into on-coming traffic, missing a truck by a few centimetres.
Moksie is Stellenbosch’s most popular bergie (beggar). She even has her own Facebook fan page, with 3 470 fans. But, for many, the online page is a disgrace. Human rights activists at the university claim the page degrades her, as some students use it to mock her or make hurtful comments about the way she looks, speaks and acts. Die Matie, Stellenbosch’s campus newspaper, wrote a piece about the page and about her as a person in their last issue for the year to raise awareness amongst students.
She is aware of the page she tells me. “I’m a celeb,” she laughs. “I wish I could see it for myself, but I can’t read very well.”
Abandoned at a young age, many people took advantage of her. “I learnt to be tough,” she says biting on her lip with the teeth she has left. It is custom here for bergies to remove their front teeth.
“Love bite” the locals call it. I ask Moksie for her interpretation. “It started as a trend. First with the gangs, then with us ladies,” she tells me.
“It’s beautiful, don’t you think?” she asks, softly touching her gums.
I nod and smile. I reveal to her the disappointing news that I’m not from Die Son, but a journalism student intrigued by her story. “What does ‘intrigued’ mean?” she asks, confused. I explain, but it’s hard to keep her attention.
Every time a student approaches, she screams. It’s obviously a game to her. “I love to see their reactions!” she says with a grin, “Try it!” I open my mouth and she laughs. “What a silly girl! You were really going to do it!”
Unlike other bergies, Moksie claims she does not use the money she gets for alcohol. “I have three children. I miss them. I must see them again.” They have been sent to foster parents. She talks about her youngest Elton (11) with tears in her eyes. She confesses she drank last night and felt bad. “I must learn to stop. For me. For him. But, I like my Savannah! And when the students offer me their bottles, I can’t say no.”
She pauses, then looks at the traffic stopping around us. People look at us. Some point.
“At least I’m not alone,” she says, as she wipes away the tears. “The students are now my children. I give them advice. I tell the girls their dresses are too short. I tell the boys to wear aftershave. If they help me, I help them.”
Born in 1968, her family constantly moved about because of Apartheid. “I’m used to this life,” she says of her gypsy lifestyle. I ask about her clothes. “Nice students give me something warm. Terrible ones throw stuff like beer on me to make me go away.”
She lives in a shack at the foot of the mountain and saves her money to buy cheap shoes and McDonald’s burgers, her favourite meal. She refuses to tell me how much she makes. “I don’t want the others to get jealous. They know the students love me best.”
As the sun sets, I tell her I have to run home. I thank her and give her R20. She hugs me tightly. “No, no, thank you for listening. God bless you, my child.”
